Fall has officially started, and I could not be happier to put the summer of break-ups behind me. Over the last three months, I have witnessed (and been the appointed therapist) for the brutal destruction of all of my friend’s serious relationships. Two of my friends broke up literally six hours after moving in together, another was broken up with via a 6 a.m. Saturday text message, and one was dumped immediately after a close family member’s funeral. With all this romantic carnage surrounding me, I’ve had a chance to really crunch the numbers and compile an official list of the worst places to go through a break-up.
8. Their home
This is the best of the worst. A break-up is never going to be fun or pretty, but at least here you can have some relative seclusion. It may seem like you would want something this intense to happen at your place, but in this case, home field advantage is reversed. I don’t know about your break-ups, but mine generally come with a side of yelling, name-calling, and some pretty ugly truths being aired out. If you’re at their place, they’ll be the one who has to deal with the neighbors’ judgment.
7. A fucking coffee shop
I don’t know why this became the industry standard, but I hate it. I know people use a public place to deter their former lover from causing a scene, but we all know that doesn’t work. Someone who just got their heart broken doesn’t give a fuck what a bunch of random people think and will absolutely yell about your sexual inability in front of a crowd of hipsters that just want to pay out the ass for fair trade brew. I once ended a coffee shop break-up by yelling, “I faked all my orgasms” at the girl who was dumping me. It was hilarious and (in my mind) made the break-up a tie.
6. A party with all of your friends
Going through a break-up at a party is never a good idea. You’ve both consumed some alcohol and it’s going to get loud and messy. However, if it has to happen, a party with all your friends isn’t so bad. Once it ends you get immediately consoled/bought drinks/wingmanned for the rest of the night. Never will your crew rally together to get you laid then immediately following a public break-up. The break-up better be real, though. If you’re on of those couples that “do this every time they get drunk,” your friends are going to tire of your antics real fast.
5. Your home
Once again, a quiet place to actually let out your feelings without worrying about people hearing is a blessing. However, as I previously mentioned, you’re now going to have to face all your neighbors as “the guy who got his ass dumped,” or “the asshole that dumped that poor girl,” depending on the break-up and the feelings of everyone that listened in. Plus, I’ve seen many of my roommates become a literal prisoner in their own home as their ex refused to accept the break-up and would not leave until they resolved it and were back together. This is not a good look for anyone, and after hour five of a break-up, you’ll either crack and throw them out or stay together (only to break-up again in a week).
4. At a party with all of their friends
If you initiated this conversation in hostile territory like this, you’re an idiot. Her friends will all immediately gang up on you and you’ll have to turn tail and run, letting her win the break-up. If she initiated a break-up with all of her friends there, she’s an asshole, but you’re still going to have to turn tail and run. I’ve never personally had a group of drunk girls taunt me and ask me if I was going to cry during a break-up, but that sounds like an absolute nightmare.
3. In front of your family
I don’t know what kind of monster you were dating to have this happen to you, but I imagine there is no coming back from this. Your mom is going to try to jump in the argument to back you up, and probably toss some cringe-worthy line like “you’ll never find someone so sensitive and in tune with your needs again” to your ex. She means well. If you’re a crier, your dad is going to see that and probably never respect you again. And if you’re breaking up with someone your family likes, be prepared for your parents to argue against you while your (attempted) ex just smiles smugly in the background.
2. On an airplane FROM the vacation
I’ve witnessed one airplane break-up in my life, and it was the greatest form of air travel entertainment that’s existed since Air France put Shakespeare In Love on the overhead TVs and 8-year-old me got to see boobs for the first time. You could tell this guy regretted starting this conversation as soon as the word “break-up” slipped out of his mouth, and his eyes were frantically darting around the cabin as if weighing the cost and benefit of opening up the emergency door and just jumping to his death. He knew he had started something he was now trapped in, and the only light at the end of the tunnel was that in five hours he could exit the plane and physically escape to his home.
1. On an airplane TO the vacation
Picture everything I just described, except instead of looking forward to escape, this poor soul had only another week of break-up lined up. If you break-up on a flight to your destination, you now have two choices. You can back down from the break-up and enjoy your week in Hawaii knowing full well you’ll both break-up the second you’re back home, or you can cancel the trip and get a return flight as soon as you land, losing out on Money and precious PTO. If you think you can “enjoy the vacation as exes with mutual respect,” you’re going to be in for a shock when the scorned party bangs someone else in your hotel room.
Enjoy cuffing season everyone, you’ve got a good six months until you have to deal with this..
Image via YouTube