There comes a time in everyone’s life when they have to admit defeat. Most weekends are a slugfest of plans, dinners, parties, and copious adult beverages, and although they’re fun, you never seem to get a break. Every once in a while you have to admit you’re not 19 anymore and take a night off. However, that’s easier said than done. The key to staying in when all your friends are pressuring you to meet them at the bar is simple – distract yourself. But not all distractions are created equal. Here is the official ranking of ways to spend your night in.
6. Catching up on work
Booooooo. This is the last thing you want to do with your precious night in. This night is supposed to be about you relaxing, treating yourself, and ultimately reviving your alcohol-ravaged body and getting it game day ready for next weekend. While working the weekend may be necessary at times, it doesn’t count as “you time,” and won’t be fulfilling at all. Even more importantly, there’s no way it’ll work. By the second hour of staring at a spreadsheet, you’ll realize you’re doing what you hate in your free time, and get so riled up you’ll end up leading the charge to the bar, instead of abstaining from it. They key is to distract yourself from the fun you could be having, not torture yourself.
Odds of staying in: 0% and, in fact, you’ll likely be the first to blackout as your brain protests your choice to work after 5 p.m. on a Friday.
5. The gym
Don’t get me wrong; I genuinely enjoy hitting the gym. It helps me manage stress, and I look good and feel good afterward. The problem here is that it doesn’t take up nearly enough time. Even if you destroy your muscles with a full body workout, you’ve burned, at most, 2-3 hours. You’ll get home with plenty of time to shower, eat, and still get convinced to go out. Plus, your hormone levels will be so jacked up, the urge to go out and try and get laid will be even stronger. What’s even the point of looking good if you can’t show it off on the dance floor?
Odds of staying in: 25%, but only if you work legs and back, therefore making it impossible for you to even get off the couch, let alone stand at a bar all night.
4. Comfort food and a movie
This is the go-to. Hit the grocery store in preparation earlier in the week, and stock up on whatever your favorite comfort food is. Personally, I whip up an enormous plate of pasta with meat sauce, which is both delicious and literally does not allow me to fit any beer in my stomach. Couple this with a good movie, and there’s not a lot anyone can do to get me to put pants on and go out. In fact, I do this so regularly that my friends know not to even hit me up if I tell them I’m having a Pasta Friday.
Odds of staying in: 60%. Sure, cool enough plans could rouse you from your food coma, but how often are your plans that cool? Exactly.
3. Video games
Remember all those times in college when you accidentally missed your lecture because you were just “one more try” away from beating a game? There’s just something about video games that hold your attention in a way other medias can’t. While it’s easy to get distracted while watching a movie, video games take your whole focus and (more importantly) both of your hands. If you can’t pick up your phone, you can’t get drawn in by the group chat about weekend plans. That’s just anatomy. Make sure to pick a game that is entertaining, but not too difficult, however. If you get stuck, you could get frustrated enough to throw your controller, leaving you with two hands open to text your friends.
Odds of staying in: 70%, as long as you don’t take a break too early. If you do, you’ll run the risk of realizing how lame you are for playing Call of Duty by yourself on a weekend night, and convince yourself you need to make the most of your life by drinking overpriced drinks and unsuccessfully hitting on people.
What have you been craving since the moment your alarm went off 12 hours ago? Your bed. Do you really want to wait another nine hours before you can crawl back into it? Fuck no, you deserve this weekend off, and you’re going to get the sleep you’ve been missing since…shit, college, I guess? Get home, take your pants off, and head straight to bed. Do not pass go, and do not collect $200. You’ll sleep right through any of your shithead friends trying to convince you to hit the bars, and even if you wake up at 12am, you’ll have missed the window to go out. Get yourself a midnight snack and crawl right back into bed.
Odds of staying in: 90%. You can’t have FOMO if you’re asleep, and unless your friends have keys to your apartment and no sense of boundaries, they can’t break your will power. Plus, you can always play the victim the next day and say you “accidentally lost control of a nap.”
1. Having sex
Why do we go out every weekend? To hang out with friends? To blow off steam? Because beer tastes good? Sure, those are all minor reasons, but the truth is much simpler. We all go to bars to try and get laid. If you already a hookup coming over, why the fuck would you go out? Guaranteed sex trumps the possibility of sex every time. Your friends can’t even argue with that logic, and will likely admit defeat. If you drop a “sorry can’t come out, I’ve got a girl/guy coming over” into the chat, you’ll even get praised, not made fun of. Even that friend who will say anything to convince you to get drunk with him accepts that getting laid is better than not getting laid.
Odds of staying in: 100%, unless somehow the sex is so bad that instead of relaxing you, it just makes you more sexually frustrated and in need of a better lay to balance that one out. If that’s the case, I’m sorry, and you need to change up your roster.
Good luck to everyone “taking a night off” this weekend. In between the devil on your shoulder and your friends tossing the word “happy hour” around by Friday morning, you’re going to need it. I plan to be asleep on the couch with the remains of a plate of pasta on my chest by 8 p.m. on Friday, and my willpower is unbreakable. .