No matter what day it is, we all know your thoughts are already on where you’re going out this weekend. Don’t lie to me, some of you have already tossed a “What’s the plan for Friday?” text in the group chat and gotten an “It’s 11 a.m. dude, chill” response from your friend who went out last night. But you won’t chill. You work hard and, come the weekend, you deserve to reward yourself with between one and fifteen adult beverages. You know you’ll be going to the bar, but what you don’t know is where in the bar you’ll be able to best pound those drinks. That’s why I ranked them for you.
10. Sitting On The Ground
Come on, man. This is a place of business. Disgusting, gross, business. That floor has seen the spill of a million drinks, and probably half as many pukes. I don’t know where your plan for the evening went wrong, but if you’re sitting on the floor of the bar, you’ve made some mistakes. You’re probably about to get thrown out for being too drunk to stand, so at least you’ll be able to sit your nasty, sticky ass on your own couch soon. Get it together.
9. Leaning Against The Wall
“I’m fine,” you think to yourself as you use a wall or pillar to support 80% of your weight. “No one can tell how drunk I am.” Wrong. Everyone can tell, but since you’re doing the bare minimum to remain upright, the bouncers don’t give a shit, and therefore, your friends don’t give a shit. You’re most likely slurring your words and hitting on everything that moves around you. If anyone finally takes you up on your offer of “shotsss, bitchesss,” you’ll quickly devolve into sitting on the ground. Toss in some glasses of water and you have a chance of recovering.
So you decided to go to a packed bar or club, huh? I’m not judging; there’s nothing wrong with that. As long as your BAC is high enough to help your forget how shitty your venue is, it can be a lot of fun. Do you want to be on your feet for six hours after a long week? Probably not, but you’re here for one reason, and one reason only: to get laid. Sitting makes you look lame, and you didn’t pay a cover to not shoot your shots at every person on the dance floor. Drink until your feet don’t hurt and get out there.
7. Extra Stool At The High-Top Table
This is the worst seat in the bar. Yes, technically you’re sitting down with your friends, but it sure doesn’t feel like it. Your crew had one more person than spots at a table, and you drew the short straw. You’re now the weird kid in the cafeteria in high school. You know the one I’m talking about, who hung around a group of friends and tried to be a part of the group by occasionally laughing too loudly at a joke someone made? That’s your life. You can barely hear what everyone is saying, you’re leaning through the mess of bodies to try and be a part of the fun, and you’re two seconds delayed on every joke. Maybe don’t be late to the bar next time. Either that, or your friends hate you. Stew on that when you’re hungover on Sunday.
6. Seat Near The Bathroom
You did it, kid. You’re officially part of the friend group. You and your crew snagged a table and are ready to hang out all night. Thirty seconds after sitting, you realize why this table was still open. A waft of warm, fetid air washes over you, smelling like recycled beer and…is that? Yes, just a hint of thrown up nachos. Congrats, you’re sitting five feet away from the bar bathroom. I’m no molecular biologist, but I’m relatively sure that 90% of all diseases spawn from a bar bathroom, and now those diseases are all over you, your table, and that double-IPA you treated yourself with. Sure, your feet won’t hurt from standing, but at what cost?
5. At The Bar
This could go either way. If it’s just two of you, this is perfect. You get VIP service from the bartender and prime TV viewing. If it’s three or more, however, just do yourselves a favor and stand. The two people on the ends aren’t going to be able to hear each other and are going to be yelling “what?” all night. If you’re in the middle, you’re going to have two assholes leaning over you and yelling “what?” in your ear. It’s just not worth it.
4. High-Top Table
The bar standard. You get there early enough to grab a table, and now you and your friends can enjoy a lively conversation and have a place to put your beer down. Because high tops are usually situated near where people are standing, you also have ample opportunity to scan the crowd for hotties to hit on. Enjoy your night, players.
3. Booth (Inside Seats)
Sitting at a booth? Okay, you bar royalty, you. Excuse me, while us peasants have to walk to the bar for our drinks or sit in seats that aren’t lined with pillows. Do you guys own the place? Did y’all get here at noon? What’s your story? Unfortunately, you chose the seat closest to the wall, and are therefore trapped for the remainder of your stay here. Your friends may love you, but they’re not scooting out for you to go to the bathroom more than twice all night. If, like me, you have the bladder of a 90-year-old pregnant woman and need to pee every 15-minutes, this is not the seat for you. Friendships have been lost over less.
2. Booth (Outside Seats)
You made it. Not only do you get to sit in the comfy seats, with a server taking your order like some kind of Roman king, you’re also not trapped all night. You can come and go as you please, be it to the bar to get a round of surprise shots, the patio to rip a cig, or the bathroom for the third time this hour. Beer tricks your body into thinking it’s hydrated, ok? That’s just science, stop pee-shaming me.
1. Behind The Bar
This is the Promised Land. Yes, you have to stand, lift kegs, and generally work your ass off, but the drinks…the drinks are all free (as long as your manager isn’t looking). Also, you get paid, in cash, to drink those drinks (and serve customers or whatever). Truly, if you’re at a bar, this is where you want to be (until last call when you have to clean up the mess you drunkenly made).
It doesn’t matter where you’re drinking; it’s better than being sober. The weekend can’t come soon enough. .