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Ramblings From A Cultured Redneck: Blowing Shit Up

Ramblings From A Cultured Redneck: Blowing Shit Up

There are a few beautiful things in this world that fill my entire body with joy: Masters weekend, cheese fries, and destroying perfectly constructed things for absolutely no reason at all. It doesn’t matter if I am shooting a watermelon, attaching my sister’s dolls to a rocket, lighting random things on fire, or literally making a homemade bomb. There are a lot of myths out there about rednecks, and while many are alternative facts, one thing remains true: rednecks love to blow shit up. Don’t ask me why, because there’s no written proof to explain it. My theories revolve around three main points: seclusion, boredom, and humor.

It is much easier to blow shit up when you’re miles away from any civilization. Are you going to set off a chain of cherry bombs in a neighborhood? Probably not, unless you’re a really drunk college kid, and really drunk college kids and rednecks are synonymous at times. All it takes is a few guys down in the holler to think that they have diplomatic immunity. What happens down in that holler? Well, what happens in the holler, stays in the holler.

Sometimes rednecks just get bored, man. There’s no brunch in Appalachia. We don’t know what pure barre is and we only ride bicycles when we got our driver’s license taken away after one too many DUIs. There’s no point in going to the local watering hole when it’s twelve miles away, and the only patrons there are the state champion quarterback from 1983, his ex-wife, his other ex-wife, and his future ex-wife. Sometimes it’s too cold to fish, sometimes it’s not hunting season (or within the two-month buffer before and after hunting season), and sometimes the dish on the TV doesn’t work. So, of course, we are going to blow some shit up.

Put bluntly, blowing shit up is fun. Have you ever played with fireworks? I don’t mean the boring kind that you buy in the grocery store parking lot, I’m talking about the good kind that you adventure across state lines and spend an entire paycheck on, then cover them up in the bed of your truck with hay bales. When we have the annual Delph July 4th bash, I don’t plan a typical fireworks show that you’ll see at the county park. We start launching rockets at nine in the morning. We launch rockets attached to other rockets. We drop cherry bombs into buckets of water for no reason at all. We try to ignite three mortars in a mortar tube at the same time, then try to run off as fast as we can when the tube tips over. That shit will make you feel like you’re playing Call of Duty in real life.

One of my favorite homegrown explosions is the Works bomb. The Works bomb is nothing spectacular to look at, but it does make quite the “boom” if you use the right bottle. It’s basically tin foil and toilet bowl cleaner, but it packs a punch. Your neighbors will hear the boom. If your neighbors decide to call the cops upon hearing this boom, you could be charged with a felony. Just ask some Hokie football players from a couple years ago. Use at your own risk.

If any peers from my alma mater are reading this, I may or may not have been the individual that set off the Works bomb (which some of you claimed was a pipe bomb, others gunshots) the Thursday night before Spring break freshman year. Yeah, that was me. What can I say? Rednecks love to blow shit up.

Image via Shutterstock

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Dale Fuh

Just a big dude from Virginia that loves Dale Earnhardt, guns, and eating red meat.

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