This week we’ve got two questions, one from each sex. Keep ‘em comin’. As always, questions are in quotes.
Love your columns and hopefully you could help me out here. A little background about myself: I went to a tech-school in the midwest and I’m graduating the first week of May. I have a great job that I’ve been interning at and will be working there full time as soon as I’m done. The kicker is I’m only 20 years old and will be that way until this coming January, so I’ll be entering the Post-Grad world a lot sooner than most. Kinda exciting and also a little nerve-racking.
Now on to my problem. I’ve been dating my current girlfriend for almost 3 months now. Things have been great. She’s funny, loves sports, I can give her shit and she gives it right back and we always have a blast when we’re together. The issue is she’s 23 and can do all the things that most Post-Grads can do, yet I can’t. She also has A LOT of guy friends. So whenever she’s out I’m always seeing her with them while I’m just left behind. Now, I don’t want to come off as the guy who’s always worrying what his chick’s doing because I trust her but I’ve never really had this problem before. It’s just that lingering thought that if something did happen, I wouldn’t know because I wasn’t there.
Give it to me straight: How would you go about handling this and what advice would you give me?
P.S. whenever I say that I always see her with them, I meant via snapchat. Don’t want you thinking I’m creeping
No offense, but you’re coming off as the guy who’s always worrying about what his chick’s doing. Your words not mine. It doesn’t sound like you trust her when you’re not in her immediate vicinity. That’s a red flag. Any good relationship needs to be built around the trust that you don’t seem to have. I’ve been there before, man. And just a heads up, my story, which is quite similar to yours, didn’t end well. My jealousy and general distrust sabotaged the relationship. It sounds stupid, but you just have to believe that your girlfriend isn’t out to ruin your relationship. You need to trust that she’s not a shitty person. It’s very difficult to do because you can get burned doing it, but healthy relationships are built upon that statement. Let’s also not forget that you’re 20 years old. You’re about to graduate college. Things are going to change. The chances of you ending up with this girl for the rest of your life are slim. If you want to make a deep run at this thing, by all means, go for it.
I wouldn’t worry about the snapchat thing, man. If she was cheating on you, I don’t think she’d be sending you snapchats of her out at the bar. You need to realize and understand that everyone needs space, and the fact that she has a bunch of friends who happen to have penises doesn’t mean they’re all trying to fuck her. Are there probably a few that are? Yeah, of course. There are always going to be a few. You kind of just have to let it slide because I’m sure you’ve been on the other end of that story. You know what I’m talking about. Just because there’s a goalie doesn’t mean you can’t score blah blah blah. But that’s where trust in your girlfriend comes into play. And if it’s bothering you that much why don’t you talk to her about it? Tell her your concerns. She’ll be able to alleviate your anxiety over this better than I will. Enjoy the time leading up to your 21st birthday. It’s all downhill after that.
Huge fan of your columns and love to read a guys perspective on things. I’m writing this hoping I don’t sound like a total brat, but also that most people will understand. I just went out on a second date with a guy and it went really well. We have the same sense of humor and overall are very compatible. So I was really surprised when the bill came and he accepted my well-versed attempt to split the bill. I know this may sound archaic, but I was SO turned off. He made references all night to seeing me again and plans for the next date, so I don’t think it’s that he wasn’t into it. Is chivalry really dead or am I just not with the times?
Cheapness is incredibly unattractive. I’m turned off as well. Any guy worth his salt is going to pay when the check comes. Opening the door for your date, paying the check, refraining from ex-girlfriend bashing—these are all things that a self-respecting male post-grad should be doing. I actually think chivalry is making a bit of a comeback. Not to brag, but I went to Cotillion (basically manners school) for two years in high school and I think the number one thing I took away from it is that people just want to be treated with a little decency. Which means when you’re on a date the guy sitting across from you isn’t talking down to the waiter, he’s not chewing with his mouth open, and he sure as hell knows the difference between a salad fork and a dinner fork.
I think most guys are way more aware than you think they are of what is and isn’t appropriate on a first or second date. So while I think the move to allow you to pay for half the bill was a little tacky and cheap, I say give him another chance. I know you were just trying to make a nice gesture by offering to go dutch, but see what happens on the next date if you just don’t even reach for your purse. If he still insists on you paying for half, maybe end it. Frivolousness can be good, nay, necessary, in the correct situation. But you don’t want to be dating a guy who refuses to foot the bill for a night out..
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