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Questions From The Chase: Not Looking For Anything Serious And Text Message Etiquette

Questions From The Chase: Not Looking For Anything Serious And Text Message Etiquette

With March in the rearview, it seems that people are finally ready to leave their winter clothes in the closet and venture outside in a nice sun dress or a pair of shorts to try and meet someone that they can have a summer romance with.

This past week I’ve gotten sent more than a few questions about dating and how I’d go about dealing. Let’s have a look at two that I thought were especially interesting. Questions are in quotes below.

Johnny D,

First off, love the writing it’s truly inspiring stuff. My question for you is about your approach to dating. When you go on dates are you leaving open the option of a potential relationship or are you able to subtlety convey the message that you’re not interested in a long term deal? From your stories, it seems like a lot of your dates end up being a one or two night thing. Is this strategically planned or does this just happen by chance? I’ve gone on a number of dates from various dating apps but most of the girls I end up on dates with seem to only be looking for a long term relationship and I’m not really interested in something serious at this point in my life. I wonder if I’m giving off the wrong vibe or simply have no game, which is definitely probable. How do I convey the message, subtlety, that I’m not interested in anything serious without sounding like the total asshole that I realistically, probably am?

Thanks for the help,
Anonymous

If it seems like a lot of my dates are one-and-dones, it’s because they are. And I would say many times it’s not even something I said or did, the connection just sort of fizzled out. This is the big problem with online dating. It’s not organic like meeting someone in a bookstore or a coffee shop. It’s manufactured romance. And that is why you don’t hear about a lot of long-term relationships coming to fruition out of apps like Bumble, Hinge, or Tinder. They serve a purpose, and that purpose is to hook up. I’m just going to assume that you’re a guy from the tone of this message because I don’t know a lot of girls who call themselves ‘total assholes,’ but what I think you need to assume right off the bat is that the person sitting across the table from you isn’t looking for anything serious either.

If you asked any serial dater what their rate of success (i.e. probability of a second, third, fourth date) is with people that they go out with, it’s going to be low. Men and women get on an app like Bumble because they’re looking for a hookup. Sure, there’s probably a small part of their brain that’s saying “maybe something good will come of this,” but for the most part no one is looking for anything serious. And yeah, you’ll have outliers who are looking for a long-term relationship, but I don’t think it’s necessary for you to verbally tell the girls you’re going out with that you’re not in this for the long haul. They usually already know. Girls are much smarter than guys, and they can pretty much always tell when you want something casual.

So my suggestion? I don’t know what dating app you’re using which continues to set you up on dates with girls who want long-term relationships, but I would say it’s time to switch it up. You said yourself that you’re asshole, so be an asshole. Go to a scuzzy bar solo on a Thursday and hit on someone you’d never even dream of talking to. Sign up for a different dating app than the one that you’re using now and see if your luck changes. It doesn’t sound like you’re ready for a long-term relationship as it is, so let your inner-dickhead prosper until you are ready for something serious. There are plenty of girls out there who want a one or two night stand just like you.

YO, DUDA. First off, love the writing. You’re the Kanye of PGP. ANYWAYS, here’s my question, since you seem to be King of Bumble dates. I started talking to this guy and he gave me his number. I know he’s got friends coming in this weekend, so I’m not about to ask him to do something since I have no intention of getting caught up in any date volley crap. So how long do I wait to text this guy so we don’t get stuck in a glorified pen pal situation of texting too long & not meeting up?

First of all, if you really want to blow this guy’s mind, I would suggest e-mailing him in lieu of texting. However, I know that’s not everyone’s cup of tea so let’s keep it with conventional advice on how to send a text message.

I think everyone is watching way too much television. I blame situational tv shows like Friends, Scrubs, Seinfeld, etc. for these weird, arbitrary rules that have come to be seen as common by people who are on the dating scene. “Wait two days after getting a girls number before calling her.” “If he/she hasn’t responded to your first text, never, under any circumstances, send a double text.”

We follow these texting and phone call rules to a t because we’re under the impression that they are rules for a reason. I think it’s usually in your best interest to buck societal trends, so please don’t take this the wrong way when I ask you this: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WAITING FOR? You said you like this guy. You said you really want to see him. So stop sitting around on your ass waiting to text someone who you said yourself that you want to text. Text him during a work day before his friends come in for the weekend and make a plan for the following week.

I don’t understand why people can’t just take initiative on stuff like this. The answer, when it comes to hitting up someone who you want to bump uglies with, is to always be on the offensive. Be a little aggressive. Have a plan so you’re not arguing over text messaging for thirty minutes on a good spot to go eat. Just text the guy. I promise you he’ll be flattered by it and the message will be loud and clear that you want to see him.

That’s it for this week. As always, send any dating questions or general roasts about my life choices to jduda10@gmail.com.

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Johnny D

fashion icon. @dudaronomy on twitter. e-mail: jduda10@gmail.com

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