Well, it finally happened. After a long time enjoying the single life in the greatest city on earth, it looks like I am back in a relationship. She’s smart, gorgeous, and is not fazed by the read receipts on my text messages. When I returned from my Vegas trip last weekend, a shell of my former self, she was waiting at my place with Chipotle and Gatorade. I knew my single life had come to an end. My main issue now, however, is that I don’t remember how to be in a relationship. I’ve been deeply single for a while now, and now I need answers to some pressing questions. Don’t let me down, comment section.
How long do we have to be dating before I can expect to go on double dates?
In my experience, double dates are just three-hour competitions on who is the better/cuter couple. If the date is with my girl’s friend and boyfriend, I’m going to be gunning for first place in all categories: money spent on date, chivalry, adorable displays of affection, ability to hold booze, to name a few. If the other couple is composed of my friends, the girls are going to be competing on looks and sports knowledge. Either way, my girl and I are a young, untested team, and I’m not trying to go up against a veteran couple and look like a bunch of scrubs. She’s already planning out a double date and I need at least a few more weeks of spring training.
How many nights a week should we sleep over?
Right now we spend the night at each other’s place like five days a week. I realize that we’re still in the honeymoon phase and this is not sustainable, but what’s a normal number of days where we see each other a respectable amount and I also am able to keep a normal sleep cycle? Keep in mind it’s summer in Chicago and I have no AC, so adding a second source of body heat to my bed is making heatstroke dangerously possible.
How do we address being fans of rival sports teams?
I am a die-hard San Jose Sharks fan. I’ve been going to games since I was born, and am still sporting a vintage 2004 Jonathan Cheechoo jersey. My girl is a (fair-weather) Penguins fan. If you keep up with the NHL at all, you can see why this is an issue. She has wisely decided to not to bring up anything hockey- or Stanley Cup-related since the Penguins’ victory on Sunday, but has also mentioned that I haven’t been able to look her in the eyes, which is true. The gleam of happiness and team pride in her eyes is still too much for me to bear, and while I think I will eventually overcome this feeling, I don’t think I could do it again. If our teams clash in the baseball post season, I don’t know if the relationship will survive. How do couples deal with these issues? Also, is the fact that her favorite NHL player is Sidney Crosby grounds for a breakup? I’m on the fence.
When can I keep a toothbrush at her place?
I know this is supposed to be a big step in a relationship, but I don’t give a shit. I can’t start my day and go to work without brushing my teeth. I know someone is going to comment about “using toothpaste of my finger,” but stop lying to yourself that it’s the same thing. Sliding your own finger in and out of your mouth doesn’t make your teeth any cleaner, it only makes you strangely aroused. Just me? Either way, I need something with bristles to make my mouth minty fresh so I can not feel like a pile of garbage at work/have a chance at morning sex. I’m just going to start hiding a toothbrush at her place somewhere she can’t reach.
If I have hooked up with female friend(s) of mine in the past, should I tell my girl or stick with the “ignorance is bliss” approach?
Babe, if you’re reading this, this is a totally hypothetical question that has nothing to do with my life. Also, please, for both our sakes, stop reading my columns. I’ve been mulling this question over in my head for a while, and I can’t tell what to do. On one hand, I pride myself on being honest and I know I wouldn’t want to find out that I’ve met some guys that have been intimate with my girl. However, these girls are my actual friends, and I wouldn’t stop hanging out with them just because I have at one point hooked up with them. If I tell her, she’ll always be wondering who they are and whether she can trust me to hang out with them. If I don’t tell her and she finds out at a later date, it makes me look shady and like I was hiding the fact from her. Keep in mind that these are not girls I had anything more than a physical relationship with and no feelings were involved.
When does “meeting the parents” happen if you don’t live near your families?
Obviously this is still way in the future, but it’s a new experience for me. In all my past relationships I’ve lived in the same city as my family, so having a girl over for a dinner or casually meeting my parents usually occurred pretty soon in the relationship. However, with my parents living across the country, this would be a much more serious step. Does it happen after like six months? A year? I have no knowledge on grown up relationships; please advise. Also, I’m trying to take a trip out to my Dad’s new vacation home in Mexico sometime this summer. That would seem too early to meet the parents, but also fuck it, I want to spend a weekend on the beach. Do I take her and just let her know it’s about the vacation, not meeting my dad?
Feel free to leave me answers/advice in the comments or email me here. You can also email me with questions of your own or for any advice. I’ve been in a relationship for almost a week now, so I’m practically an expert..