It’s very common for former college superstars (the definition of the word “superstar” in this instance is used loosely) to come home from a grueling 4 years of binge drinking and 1000 level classes, only to find that they can’t afford to move out on their own. Welcome to Postgrad Life: Stage 1.
Once you get past the initial depression stemming from the fact that you once ruled a kingdom of drunken hookups populated only by your best friends, only to move back home and ask mommy to leave the garage door open for you so you can come home after dark, you’ll quickly start to see both the pros and cons of this new living arrangement.
First, the Pros:
- You won’t have to pay your grocery bill. This means that it won’t be another Ramen-filled week. We’re talking chicken, steak, pasta, rack of lamb, etc. The sky is the limit, really.
- Free laundry services. I know what you’re thinking. Yes, your mom will probably tell you that she won’t do your laundry for you and it’s your responsibility, but guess what? You just leave it in the washer with the next load on top waiting to be put in, then head off to your death-grip of a job, and by the time you come home it’ll be done and folded on top of your neatly made bed. Thanks, Mom!
- Free DD. That’s right. No one wants you to get a DUI, especially not your parents. So what choice do they have? It would be irresponsible to let you drive home, so they’ll just have to come pick you up.
- Better everything. Better TV. Better kitchen. Better A/C. Better furniture. Everything is better. Why? Because they’ve worked their whole lives for all this expensive crap that you can’t even afford the generic version of.
Now, the Cons:
- There is absolutely no cool way to say to a girl, “You want to come home to my parents house?” Just give up. You can tell them that your place is under renovation while they install your indoor swimming pool, or that you had to get the wooden floors replaced after your massive party the previous weekend, so that they take you to their place instead. This will haunt you until you somehow trick a girl into seriously dating you and she understands your pain, and you can just pray she has a place of her own.
- No matter how much smarter than your parents you may be now (look at you with your fancy Bachelor’s Degree in Communications!) they will always have this card to play: “My house, my rules.” Well shit, Mom and Dad. Way to throw that trump card out early on! I was just saying if we could upgrade our cable/internet package to allow DVR’ing 3 shows at the same time, you could get your PBS Special while I record The League and Workaholics. Sheesh.
- They will always know when you drank too much. This will lead to “Are you sure you shouldn’t slow it down a bit…” or “I worry that you may have a problem” or “Your great-great-great-grandfather was an alcoholic, so be careful.” Get off my back. Why do you think I’m drinking so much? Because I’m still sleeping in my childhood bedroom on my twin bed. I had bigger beds than this in college.
- They still get to tell you to do yard work. Oh you thought that was done? No. Not as long as you live there and decide that the appropriate place to puke is her hydrangea bushes (which it is). Weed pulling duty and lawn mowing responsibility are likely to occur. It’s best to constantly tell them you are busy with volunteer work and just be as vague as possible about it. Then you go to the local bar for X hours.
- After the summer is over and they realize you’re going to be there for longer than they thought, they’ll start making excuses for you to their friends: “Oh, he’s just saving his money so he can buy his own home at 24 and start his own company!” or “He’s holding out for a management position!” or “With the way the economy is, he just needs to save until he can get on his feet!” But then it just starts getting personal: “Your son is no prize, either!”
- Local bars means local people, AKA “Townies,” and you are now one of them. Soak it in. Yes. See that bearded guy over there who is wearing his high school letter jacket, and graduated in 1998? He went away to college and moved home too. Run.