After growing tired of Tinder and girls that match but don’t respond, I decided to get into the Bumble game. Whether that’s because they are only swiping right to validate their attractiveness, or because my opener is “u tryna get the pipe?” is not important. To those who don’t know, Bumble is the same concept as Tinder except when you match, only the girl can initiate the conversation. Also, the talent is on there is ridiculous. Every time I open up the app there are more dimes than the inside of a gumball machine. However, the best part is that it showcases how horrible some of these girls are at initiating conversation. The same girls that have “make me laugh with your opener or I won’t respond” as their Tinder bio are throwing out “Hey!” followed by a smiley emoji and expecting guys to be all about it.
To best showcase the kind of nonsense opening lines I see from this app, I’ve decided to rank the last ten messages girls have sent me to begin a conversation.
This accounts for no lie, about 50% of all openers I get. Sometimes girls will add two exclamation marks, sometimes even a whole emoji, but this is the go-to opener. All I take away from this is that you are either too stupid or too unimaginative to even ask me a simple question based on my bio. This usually comes from girls who know they are attractive, and know that no matter what they say guys will start talking to them. Case in point, this girl was a smokeshow and I enthusiastically responded only to get crickets. It was a real roller coaster of emotion.
9. Would you rather eat a hot dog where three of the five hot dogs have rat shit in them, or get a bad sunburn that lasts three weeks?
What. The. Fuck. Normally I’m all for girls thinking outside the box and at least showing me they’re trying, but this line ruined my day. Not only are you sending this to me at lunchtime and ruining my appetite, you’re making me do fucking math as well? Three-fifths of the hot dogs have rat shit in them? What hot dogs? Why? Is it a purposeful relish or just a manufacturing issue? Fuck SAT-style word problems, fuck rat shit, I’m taking the sunburn and I’m not responding.
8. *waving hand emoji*
I mean, I guess this is more creative than just saying hi. It’s kind of laterally as creative; it just takes one more second to access the emoji screen. It stands out, but it really shouldn’t. I responded with the middle finger emoji (my new most used emoji since it came out) and that was the end of that.
7. Are you a beaver? Cause dammm 😉
This would be creative if I know you didn’t just google “girl pick up lines” and pick the third one down. You’re actually showing that you’re too unoriginal to even think of any of your own words to say, so you just picked a basic line and waited for guys to line up. Not gonna happen today. What do I even respond to this? “Haha yeah that pun gave me a boner?” Nope.
6. Hey how was your weekend? :]
Ok, so it’s a basic question, but you know what? It’s a conversation starter. I don’t expect you to be the next Hemingway and get me interested in the first ten seconds. I can easily respond to this with something entertaining myself, and just like that, we’re making conversation. To any girls reading this, this should be the benchmark of openers. Just ask a question, any question. I promise if the guy is attracted to you, he will answer. Unfortunately, this girl was not very cute (I often swipe drunk), and I did not respond. Also, I didn’t like the bracket smiley face, as it seemed like something I used in middle school, and I was the worst in middle school.
5. Hey handsome 😉
Now I know I just said asking a question is the least anyone can do, but I changed my mind. Hit me with a compliment. Any compliment. Everyone loves being told they are attractive, and I’m no different. Plus I will respond with a compliment back most of the time, and then we all get to feel good.
4. How strong is your drunken taco game?
To fully understand this one, I’m going to have divulge my bio, so don’t judge me too hard. It currently reads “If your idea of a perfect night is mouthing ‘sorry’ at the bouncers while you drag me out of the bar, only to take me home and have to watch me make us drunken tacos so I don’t burn the house down, swipe right.” By the time girls find out I’m just being truthful instead of funny, they can’t say anything because I was upfront about who I am from the beginning. Anyway, this is a strong question, and shows that she actually read my bio, which is nice. Honestly though I feel like she’s questioning me. How strong is my taco game? I home-make my guacamole (Avocados, diced jalapeños, lime juice, and cilantro) whilst blacked out, so how does that answer your question? Yeah, pretty fucking strong.
3. Hi! Which of your tattoos is your favorite and why?
Here we go. Here we have question, and one that was personalized just for me. Also I feel like a girl asking about my tattoos is like 10 strategic messages away from exchanging nudes, which is the modern equivalent of flowers. Either way, this shows she’s interested in me, and has enough of a personality to hold a conversation.
2. Marry, date, or dump: George HW Bush, George W Bush, Jeb Bush
This is the kind of stuff that takes a girl from a hard 6 to a soft 8. She’s creative, funny, and not afraid to ask weird shit. She also doesn’t mention shit-filled hotdogs at any point, so that’s nice. I’ve never heard of “marry, date, or dump,” but I’m assuming it’s the nicer, Midwestern version of “kill, fuck, marry,” which is always a solid personality test. To answer the question, I know you’re dying to hear, I would dump Bush Senior, marry Dubyah (he owned a baseball team and you know he’d be fun to rage with), and date Jeb! The guy just pulled out of an election, so I’d be heartless not to at least throw him a pity date.
1. So, let’s be honest, I’m not going to pull off any good one liners like I probably should lol. *smirking emoji* How’s your day?
This is the best opener I’ve received. She admits she’s not going to think of a good opener, hits me with a smirking emoji to let me know she knows how hot she is, and then asks a basic question. She’s outright telling me I’m not worth a good one liner because she knows I’ll respond anyway. That’s the kind of cockiness I can respect, and I’ve already made plans to get drinks with her next week. Well played.
Ladies, take this advice and work on your openers, because you don’t want to be the next person Downloading Bumble And Realizing They Have No Game. Or just be a leggy blonde, and I’ll trip over myself trying to take you out to dinner. But no where that serves hot dogs..
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