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Power Ranking Every Single Bill Brasky Quote

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The Bill Brasky sketch might be the greatest SNL bit of all time. Four drunk guys, sitting at a bar, reveling about a 10-foot-tall beast man who showers in vodka and feeds his babies shrimp scampi. Its true genius is in the one-upmanship of the sad, drunk men who idolize a horrible human being like Brasky.

So which ones are the best? Which ones are overrated? Let’s rank ’em.

64. “Bill Brasky is a son of a bitch!” (Shut up. This is overused and only said by people who don’t know any other lines)
63. “I once saw him eat a whole live chicken.”
62. “He showers in grain alcohol!”
61. “He once punched a hole in a cow just so he could see who was comin’ up the road.”
60. “He’s ranked 18th in the AP College Football Poll.”
59. “I once saw him eat a whole live chicken.”
58. “He used to jog around the block with a fridge on his back!”
57. “He grew a third arm and kept it in a vault!”
56. “He thinks then iron man is gay.”
55. “He framed Roger Rabbit.”
54. “He killed Wolfman Jack with a trident.”
53. “He had nine children, all of ‘em boys!”
52. “You know he jumped off the Empire State Building this one time and he only sprained his ankle.
51. “He date raped David Bowie.”
50. “He sweats Gatorade”
49. “Bill Brasky once showed me a video of him making love to my wife, and it was the most beautiful damn thing I ever saw!”
48. “He makes brooms somewhere in Georgia.”
47. “He sleeps eight hours a night! Well, he was pretty normal when it came to that.”
46. “He did all the makeup on the ‘Planet of the Apes’ movie.”
45. “He once inhaled a seagull.”
44. “The Pope told him it was okay to have a mistress.”
43. “He drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.”
42. “He has dandruff the size of mice!”
41. “Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky went hunting? Brasky decides he’s going to hunt down all four of the Banana Splits. He stalks and kills every one of them with a machette. They all begged for their lives…except Fleagle.”
40. “They use Brasky’s foreskin as a tarp when it rains at Yankee stadium.”
39. “Brasky directed that commercial where the women play basketball in high heels.”
38. “He wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.”
37. “Brasky still believes in Santa Claus, and he wants to put him in porno films.”
36. “He gave a handjob to a manta ray.”
35. “Did I ever tell you about the time Bill Brasky sold me into slavery? He puts me on a ship to Thailand, right? And I’m chained to a pipe. Meanwhile, ol’ Brasky, he’s back in the States siring three beautiful children with my wife!”
34. “To Bill Brasky! A ten-foot-tall, two-ton son of a bitch who could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing!”
33. “You know he jumped off the Empire State Building this one time and he only sprained his ankle.”
32. “He makes every woman that sleeps with him, refer to him as Bear Bryant.”
31. “I remember one time Brasky took his family to Sea World. They were watching Shamu the whale when Brasky got splashed! So Brasky yells, I’m Bill Brasky and no one gets me wet! So he climbs into the tank, grabs Shamu and throws the whale into the audience, splashes him and yells, “How do you like it?!” And then damn if Brasky didn’t step in there and finish the show!”
30. “All the ‘Yes’ album covers are Brasky family photos.”
29. “He uses the Shroud of Turin as a golf towel.”
28. “He has a toenail on the end of his penis.”
27. “Brasky once got his wife pregnant and gave birth to a delicious 16 ounce steak. The afterbirth was sauteed mushrooms.”
26. “He named the group Sha-Na-Na. They did NOT want to be called that.”
25. “If you drop a phonograph needle on Brasky’s nipple, it plays the Beach Boys’ ‘Pet Sounds.’”
24. “Did I ever tell you about the time he taught his son how to drive? He did it by entering him in the Indy 500. The kid wrecked and died. Brasky said it would’ve happened sometime.”
23. “Brasky’s semen can form into a liquid human – like the guy from ‘Terminator 2′”
22. “You know how Brasky served three tours in ‘Nam? Well, I’m in Corpus Christi on business a month ago, and I had this eight-foot tall Asian waiter which made me a little curious, so I asked him his name, and sure enough, it’s Ho Tran Brasky!”
21. “His favorite movie is ‘One on One’ with Robby Benson.”
20. “He loved extension cords. He hated Mexicans. And he was half-Mexican! And he hated irony.”
19. “One time I asked Brasky to dress up like Santa for a Christmas party I was throwing for my children. Yeah, that’s them, that’s them. Well Brasky shows up as Santa reaches into his bag and says: I’ve got goodies for you kids. He proceeds to hand out scrap metal and cigarettes to them. Then he takes off his beard and says: There is no Santa ’cause I ate him!'”
18. “He had a four day heart attack! Yeah, a day for every chamber! When they did the autopsy, they said his heart was like a basketball filled with ricotta cheese!”
17. “Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky took me out to go get a drink with him? We go off lookin’ for a bar and we can’t find one. Finally, Brasky takes me into a vacant lot and says, “Here we are!” Well, we sat there for a year and a half. Sure enough, someone constructed a bar around us! Well, the day they opened it, we ordered a shot, drank it and then burnt the place to the ground. Brasky yelled over the roar of the flames, ‘Always leave things the way you found them!'”
16. “So anyways, Brasky would put on a white tie and tails and walk his pet cobra through the park on a leash. He named the cobra “Beverly”. He taught it how to fetch and dial a phone. But then one day, it bit the maid. So with tears in his eyes, Brasky had to shoot the maid.”
15. “His favorite movie is “The Boy In The Plastic Bubble” starring John Travolta.”
14. “It was the sight of Brasky’s naked body that drove Brian Wilson insane!”
13. “Did I ever tell you about the time I went horseback riding with Brasky, but there weren’t any horses around? Well, Brasky throws a saddle on my back and rides me around Wyoming for three days. Well wouldn’t you know it my stamina increases with each day and I develop tremendous leg muscles. So anyway, Brasky decides to enter me in the Breeders Cup, right? Under the name Turkish Delight. And I’m running in second place, and I’m running and I break my ankle! They’re about to shoot me, when someone from the crowd yells out, God bless him, ‘Don’t shoot him, he’s a human!'”
12. “He once ate the bible while water skiing!”
11. “Did I ever tell you about the time I had breakfast with Brasky? Brasky drank a full glass of liquid LSD with his eggs. Then he slept for eight months straight. When he woke up, he rubbed his eyes and said, ‘All in all, I prefer gin!'”
10. “I went camping with Brasky, his wife, and his daughter Debbie! Debbie Brasky. She’s 7-years-old, goes about 3’5″, 55 pounds. So, I’m in the back of a pickup with Bill Brasky and a live deer! Well, Brasky, he grabs the deer by the antlers, looks at it and says, ‘I’m Bill Brasky! Say it!’ Then he squeezes the deer in such a way that a sound comes out of its mouth – ‘Billbrasky!’ It wasn’t exactly it, but it was pretty good for a deer!”
9. “He injects whiskey into his neck with a syringe.”
8 “Did I ever tell you about the time Bill Brasky forced me to wear a woman’s bikini around the office? Brasky tears off my clothes and makes me wear this skimpy bikini. For the next three months I had to conduct my business wearing a woman’s bathing suit. I would cry from shame and question my manhood daily. But at the end of the quarter, I’ll be damned if my sales hadn’t tripled.”
7. “Did you know Bill Brasky is the godfather of my son? He shows up at the church in his golf pants, caked in mud. Well, ol’ Bill Brasky pushes the priest aside and says, ‘I’ll baptize that piece of calimari!’ Then he pours Scotch all over my baby son and says, ‘There! You’re baptized!’” “Your son is still blind to this day!”
6. “Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky was in a production of, ‘The King & I?’ On opening night, Brasky chloroforms the entire cast and slowly eats them in front of the audience for two hours. The production got pretty good reviews.”
5. “We once had a bachelor party for Brasky. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it.”
4. “Bill Brasky was a 10 foot monster who slept with all our wives! And punched us all in the face! And we loved him for it!”
3. “He breastfeeds John Madden.”
2. “He once had sex with a cigarette machine!”
t-1. “His poop is considered currency in Argentina!”
t-1.”He once scissor kicked Angela Lansbury!”
t-1. “His family crest is a picture of a barracuda eating Neil Armstrong.”
t-1. “The character of Johnny Appleseed was based on Brasky – except for the apple tree planting and not raping men.”

In all honesty, I can’t choose which one of those four is the best.

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Brian McGannon

What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.

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