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Power Ranking Bottled Water Brands

Power Ranking Bottled Water Brands

Let’s face it, we all have opinions on bottled water. You’ve got your trash humans who say that tap water tastes the same as bottled water, but these are the same people who shop at Walmart instead of Target and liked Vanessa more than Raven from The Bachelor.

The Best

1. Dasani
I’m slightly embarrassed to admit that when I’m hungover, Dasani water is the only water I drink. I own a Brita filter and yet still drink actual bottles of Dasani water in my bed. Does Dasani water taste weird? Yes. Does it taste like plastic? Maybe. Is it delicious? Yes.

2. Voss
Both bad and boujee. From the name to the cap, this is a 10/10 on the boujee scale. If you’re in the mood to impress someone or close a deal, you drink Voss water. As we all learned in A Cinderella Story, “it’s water from Norway.” If Chad Michael Murray’s fake girlfriend drinks Voss, it’s good enough for me.

3. Fiji
Fiji water is dope. Every time I drink Fiji water I get sad that I’m not in Fiji but then remember that I drink Fiji water so I stop being sad. A friend once told me that Fiji water reminds her that she makes a high but not exorbitant salary. One time I went to the grocery store and bought twelve individual Fiji waters and have never been more embarrassed than when the cashier rang them up without breaking eye contact. The only downside is it doesn’t fit in a fucking cup holder.

4. Ethos
Average taste, but a scandalous story, so it’s ranked fourth. Apparently Starbucks donates $.05 per $2 bottle to help people without water BUT the water came from a drought-stricken area in California. Great conversation starter with your coworkers!

5. Smart Water
This brings very little in the taste category, but it has writing on the inside of the bottle, and I like that. Also, one time a cashier told me while purchasing a $2.29 bottle of Smart Water that “all water tastes the same,” so I’ve been drinking this a lot lately simply to spite that 16-year-old boy.

The Worst

1. Nestle Pure Life
This tastes like soap. 0/10. Also the water bottles make a crinkly noise whenever you drink out of them because the plastic is too thin and cheap and gross.

2. Aquafina
Literally tap water. Pepsi has admitted this. I googled it. Aquafina should be purchased only at outdoor drinking events when there are no other options and you’re about to black out at 2 p.m. in a field wearing a bikini top, jean shorts, and cowboy boots.

3. Any grocery store brand
Neither bad nor boujee. This is an embarrassment. The store just used that gross tap water that you can buy in milk cartons and put it into flimsy water bottles.

4. San Pellegrino or any other sparkling water
Are you in Europe? No. Drink normal water you savage.

5. Evian
This water is trying too hard. People who drink Evian know exactly where it comes from and care. I picture Nick from the Bachelor drinking Evian while jogging in those shoes with individual toes.

Image via Shutterstock

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