Postgrad life, it’s a bitch, huh? Well, that’s what everyone would have you believe, anyway. All your friends are married, everyone expects you to act like an adult and balance your checkbook or stop pissing in the sink because you’re drunk and lost in your own apartment, and your job sucks a giant horse cock – the kind of horse cock that you unwittingly view in a video of a guy getting fucked to death by a horse in an email your asshole friend sends you while you’re at work, which gets you fired from your shitty job, makes it impossible to balance your checkbook, and leads you to drink until you’re so blackout you can’t find your own bathroom and piss in the sink. It pretty much goes without saying you aren’t married in that scenario. Postgrad life, it’s a bitch. You know what they say about bitches though, right? “Fuck ‘em,” is what they say…about bitches, and by “they” I mean me, and probably a few rappers too.
Regardless of who else says it, I’m here to reiterate that. If you’re having a tough time postgrad, it’s your fault, and I’m here to give you tips on how to improve your life. No, this isn’t a list of DIY life hacks, like industrial plungers you can make out of discarded table legs and old yarmulkes for when your clogged toilet turns into a nightmarish fecal geyser after you’ve fired out the remnants of a Velveeta Ramen burger recipe that I’m also not going to provide because I prefer not to eat like a homeless TV chef. You want to learn how to be a hipster Macgyver? Go read Buzzfeed. I’m here to shove some realness down your throats to keep anymore complaining from coming out.
Without further ado, some postgrad advice no one else has the balls to give you.
Take All Your Dumps At Work
Not only does this cut down on your water and toilet paper expenses, which will now be nonexistent, but it gives you extra break time at work. Why should smokers get all the completely unwarranted breaks? Not to mention extended hospital vacations later in their careers after they get cancer and emphysema. In fact, fuck it, take up smoking too. Squeeze every single personal minute you can out of your day. To make sure you have to crap at least once, eat volatile lunches. Have a loaded Chipotle burrito (preferably with barbacoa) and wash it down with a Venti Starbucks black coffee, add in a shot of espresso for insurance. Is there a questionable taco truck or hot dog stand near your office? You definitely need to be eating there. Make sure you get it all out at work though, because you don’t have toilet paper at home now. This might force you to stay at work later, though fortunately it will fool your superiors into thinking you’re a productive employee.
A lot of sites that generate postgrad content offer you “clever” and thrifty options for everyday life, like the aforementioned DIY bullcrap and “creative” recipes. Here’s a better idea: if you want something, just fucking take it. This is America; we got this whole country by taking shit. We wanted the colonies to ourselves so we took them from England. We wanted all the parts of Mexico that weren’t actually in Mexico, so we declared war and took that shit too. We took a whole lot of other shit from Native Americans, basically all the islands we own we jacked from Spain, and to this day America pretty much does what America wants, so why don’t you? Aren’t you an American? Your ancestors think you’re a pussy.
While your trendy friends living in cramped apartments are cooking some bohemian gourmet meal, that cost roughly six dollars, in an old Easy Bake Oven they DIY’d into the world’s shittiest broiler, you’ll be grilling three gigantic sirloin steaks that cost FREE while you wash them down with finest bottle of wine your most inattentive neighborhood grocery store has to offer.
Besides their time and money, I also recommend stealing as much as you can from your workplace. If someone has food in the fridge, eat it (as long as it isn’t too mild of a meal, because remember, you need to spend your afternoons shitting your brains out, so pass on Karen’s Caesar salad). Work supplies are yours for the taking as well. Do you know what the going rate for staplers on eBay is right now? Between $3 and $9! By not stealing staplers from your office and selling them on the open market YOU’RE THROWING FREE MONEY AWAY!
You know what? Fuck it; rob a bank. The Town was a pretty sweet movie, and one of the four bank robbers lived at the end AND had sex with Blake Lively. After you’ve got all that sweet free bank money (on top of your stapler fortune) you can drive by your friends’ place in a Range Rover while Blake Lively, who you’ve paid to be in character from The Town, does a line of Oxy off your boner and laugh at all of your friends as they refurbish old furniture they found on the side of the road and make awful stew out of the leftovers from their previous peasant-chic meals.
Stealing also provides thrills that postgrad life supposedly lacks. You won’t be complaining about how mundane your existence is after you smuggle out a can of Pringles right from under a nosey grocery store manager or take a slug to your Kevlar vest from some hero security guard as you fire wildly back and make your escape from a bank with a suitcase full of cash.
Have A Child As Soon As Possible And Make Him/Her A Star
Listen, stealing is great, but it’s a short-term solution, albeit an awesome and badass one. You need to make long-term investments too. Have a baby and immediately pimp it out to every modeling and talent agency within a thousand mile radius. Child stardom isn’t about talent; child stardom is about the indomitable will of that child’s psychopathic parents. While your child rises to stardom you can feed it with stolen Gerber and shoplifted Lunchables, but eventually their earnings will be able to sustain whatever lifestyle you desire.
While your kid is saying some moronic catchphrase like, “Good golly hot tamale!” or “Well that was handy,” for the ugly children of parents who don’t possess your shrewd business sense, you’ll be saying, “Hooker Number 3! Bring me more champagne and wake up Blake Lively before she drowns in the hot tub.”
The best part of making your child a star is that by 16 they will resent you, even though their fortune was your doing, and they’ll want emancipation, which means they’re off your hands forever. There’s no need to feel bad about the fact that they think you’ve been a shitty parent and want nothing more to do with you, because they’ve got more than enough money to live a comfortable life (you’re welcome). While some might think you’ve selfishly abandoned or neglected your child, like a momma bird shoving her chick out of the nest too early, the truth is you’re really more like a momma bird who strapped robot wings with missile launchers onto your baby bird and unleashed them on the world to conquer and destroy.
Also if you’re having a baby that means you got laid FUCK YEAH!