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Post Grad Problems Throughout History

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Post Grad problems are not a modern phenomenon. Human nature has remained generally unchanged for thousands of years, and all those currently experiencing the plight of adulthood face similar problems to those who came long before them. Every great era of human history is jam-packed with postgrad problems, so fear not–your generation is not alone in its suffering.

  • Seventy-five percent of global positions being eliminated due to a disastrous fourth quarter during the Crash of 65 Million BC.
  • Cavemen inventing fire because the office was too fucking cold.
  • Buddha’s epically long dry streak.
  • Noah being the only employee surviving his company’s massive downsizing by the Great Flood.
  • All written ancient Egyptian communication being in emoji.
  • Hammurabi creating the first written company behavioral policy.
  • God’s 10 bullet point intraoffice memo distributed by branch manager Moses.
  • Socrates getting terminated for thinking outside the box.
  • Leonidas outsourcing most of his labor when fighting the Persians at Thermopylae.
  • Spartan military training being the world’s first organized CrossFit class.
  • Alexander the Great dying from a hangover because he went to happy hour sick.
  • Roman gladiators fighting to the death as a team building exercise.
  • Caesar being stabbed in the back by his coworkers.
  • Lazarus being so hungover it took a miracle to wake him up.
  • Jesus’ favorite coffee cup being stolen by his coworkers and lost for thousands of years.
  • The Roman Empire splitting into two separate companies.
  • Columbus taking credit for his colleagues’ accomplishments.
  • Machiavelli writing the first upper management self-help book.
  • Europeans getting sick of their asshole boards of directors and colonizing America to find their own success.
  • The Native Americans having to move west because their lease expired and a new tenant moved in.
  • Louis XVI being forced to resign as CEO due to pressure from shareholders fearing violent protests from bloodthirsty labor unions.
  • The Founding Fathers telling their old boss to go fuck himself in their two week notice.
  • The French having to liquidate their assets from the Louisiana Territory at a deep discount to the U.S. government due to mismanagement.
  • The British who got their asses kicked by Andrew Jackson not getting the memo that the War of 1812 was over.
  • Napoleon being forced into retirement on a tropical island due to numerous ethics violations.
  • The South creating a pre-revenue startup that failed due to a hostile takeover by a northern consulting firm.
  • Doc Holliday quitting his career in dentistry due to a gambling problem.
  • Ernest Hemingway developing a drinking problem upon taking up a career as a writer.
  • The U.S. government banning happy hour for 13 years.
  • Germany resorting to counterfeiting after WWI because it couldn’t afford its utility bills.
  • France having to file two separate HR complaints against Germany for invasion of its personal space.
  • Joseph Stalin being obsessed with selfies.
  • The European Allies having to bring in an American consulting firm to help them deal with their German competition.
  • Chairman Mao’s Cultural Revolution creating massive underemployment among skilled workers.
  • Woodstock ’69 being the ultimate quarter life crisis.
  • Bill Clinton lying to shareholders about getting blown by an intern in order to avoid a sexual harassment lawsuit.
  • Obama pissing off everybody by changing the health benefit plan.

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5OClockShadow

"Technically, Pablo Escobar was in sales."

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