Ayyye! Look at that fresh new diploma. You’re the man. Job in New York City? God you’re so fucking cool I can’t even handle it. Where are you living? Oh, you’re paying outrageous prices to live in Manhattan? That’s cool. You’re probably making bank at your new job. Oh you’re not – not at all? Interesting.
It’s hard to believe that if you did everything right, graduating and getting a job being everything, you’d still be eating ramen and scoops of peanut butter for dinner, but such is life for many a member of the post grad freshman class. I am not one of those people, because I am being taken care of by my mommy, and I’m not even a little bit ashamed.
Remember the days before cafeteria food, before you lived in that house that was built on a hill where you had to sleep a certain way so that the blood didn’t rush to your head at night, before you realized the drastic price difference and subsequent taste difference between a DiGiornio and Publix brand frozen pizza? Senior year of high school when you would come home from JV baseball practice and there was food ready just waiting for you to eat it? Well your mom can still whip up a mean pot roast, and pops can still grill the shit out of a steak the size of your head. Eating good food is such a huge plus; not having to cook or pay for it is just the icing on that red velvet cake that your mom just took out of the oven.
Let’s be real, you’re making more money than people you graduated with simply because you have a job and they do not. You aren’t making HBO money. You can pretend that you are, but that just leads to more ramen and less beer, but your parents have a plethora of channels that you simply can’t afford. Not to mention the behemoth television that your dad got after you left for college that will make missing those college gamedays suck just a little bit less. Although we all know that nothing will really make missing those college gamedays suck any less.
Running Up A Tab
We all know drink prices rose somewhere around 1,000% after graduation. Pile that on top of all the bills you decided you can pay after graduation, and you’ll quickly realize sobriety is now something that is out of your hands. If you’re not paying rent, cable, water, electric, and all the other shit it takes to live on your own, it is well within your means to party as though you were still in college. It is a much easier transition into the postgrad when you can at least afford to drink like you used to.
Everyone is everywhere now. Sure, depending on where you went to school there are more people in some places than in others, but for the most part, you now have friends all across the country. A plane ticket and weekend expenses are far more attainable for you. You could potentially become a master of flying hungover and be that guy that gets judged for ordering a Bloody Mary on the 7am flight. That guy is the man, and that guy could be you.
Parents Get It
Okay, maybe your parents suck, but any rational human being understands that after being free from any type of supervision for four years, the last thing you want to do is be asked what time you’re getting home. They get it. Also, they probably love you. I don’t know, maybe I’m generalizing too much here, but as long as you don’t overstay your welcome they’ll be happy that you have your own income. If you’re near a large city, they also probably get that living in the city is just fiscally irresponsible – which would make you fiscally responsible, something that makes you look like you have your shit together.
So shout out to you, Mom and Pop. You have made life easy, outside of that one time that you cancelled my recording of The Newsroom. It’s all love though.