TOMS Shoes. Some people love them, some people hate them. On the surface, their policy of donating one pair to an impoverished country for every pair sold at retail is apparently a good thing. But there are some who argue that TOMS is merely a for-profit company with a gimmick that makes you feel good about yourself for buying an overpriced pair of dainty “shoes.”
I don’t give a fuck about any of that.
What I want to do is help create an informative, accurate, advertising campaign for the male TOMS consumer, letting them know the benefits of wearing a pair of TOMS.
TOMS, in the spirit of the charity that you rest your laurels on, I’m offering these new slogans to you, pro bono. Feel free to get in touch should you have any further questions or requests. No need for any thanks though. You’re already welcome.
1. TOMS Shoes: Get that pussy bone dry, with TOMS.
2. TOMS Shoes: You can pretty much do anything in your TOMS. Hang out at the coffee shop alone. Hang out at the dog park alone. Hang out at a used bookstore alone. Hang out at a…well…a coffee shop alone.
3. Get that geisha boy look you crave, without all the hassle of seeing a woman’s bare breasts in real life ever again. That’s the TOMS promise.
4. TOMS Shoes: Share a pair with your sister!
5. TOMS Shoes: Because getting a blowjob is kinda gross when you really think about it.
6. TOMS Shoes: They’re like a fixie bike, but shoes.
7. TOMS Shoes: Because for every minute you spent fucking, you could have been reading in peace and quiet.
8. TOMS Shoes: You could just donate to charity, but when she sees you in your TOMS, you’ll never have to put your mouth on her “yucky pee pee area” ever again.
9. TOMS Shoes: Because vaginas are the devil’s sinhole, and you’re mommy’s good boy who keeps it in his unders.
10. TOMS Shoes are like a stop sign for your feet that says, “I’ll never eat your butt. Not even on your birthday.”