“Amy has invited you to like her new page: RODAN + FIELDS.”
“Donna posted 78 times about SHAKEOLOGY.”
“Hey girl, it’s Susan! I used to drink a Diet Coke a day just like you, but they gave me these horrible headaches! Then someone told me about essential oils, and my life COMPLETELY changed! For only $19.99…..”
If your Facebook feed doesn’t look something like the dialogue above, I’m either insanely jealous of you, or you’re a big fat liar. Everyone I know has fallen victim to the appeal of the “almost-pyramid scheme,” and I won’t stand for it anymore. I have to take a stand and say something. If you are selling something on Facebook, heed my words: You are driving everyone insane and we all hate you.
It used to be that you could buy things that were actually useful from the comfort of your home. With Pampered Chef, Tupperware, and Avon all at the tips of your fingers, you could be the ultimate housewife without ever having to leave your living room! Like every successful venture, the knock-offs came rolling in soon afterward. With PartyLite, you can buy candles right from your home, and who wouldn’t love a knock-off Vera Bradley print you can order from thirty-one? Okay, okay, these aren’t necessities, and hearing your pitches only annoys me slightly. I get it, you’re trying to make a little extra cash, but you’re not trying to dupe anyone with your products.
That is, until now.
Approximately half of all twenty-something postgrads have now been brainwashed by either buying or selling ridiculous “health” products with bogus fake claims, and they’re driving the rest of us insane. I honestly don’t know how many more people I can block on my Facebook news feed until all that’s left is my grandmother whose status reads “how do I change my profile picture” because she thought it was a Google search bar. Between selling essential oils to help me sleep, Rodan + Fields to cure my acne, and SHAKEOLOGY to somehow magically transform my body type by consuming multiple thousand-calorie drinks a day, almost everyone I know has decided that they can make quick money by fooling themselves and fooling the slobbering, drooling, uneducated masses on Facebook.
This madness must stop, and it must stop now. You’re not fooling anyone. Or, okay, maybe you’re fooling some people, but is your 10 percent commission on a $15 bottle of lavender oil really worth making everyone you know think you’re a brainwashed, babbling fool? Your selling tactics are aggressive and intrusive. We met once at a happy hour, and now it’s appropriate to be messaged, texted, and called being asked to support “your business”? I do not want to have a Mary Kay party and a “free” facial that will result in a three-hour sales pitch. I do not want you to “cure” my acne forever, and I do not want you to attempt to transform me into Jen Selter using products with the nutritional value of a Wendy’s frosty.
If you think you’re wearing me down through persistence, you’re wrong — you’re only annoying me more, and I mark every single one of your posts on Facebook as spam. Please, I’m begging you, for the sanity of myself and every person you’ve ever met, just ask for a raise at work already and make the madness stop..
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