Please Invite Me To Your Housewarming Party

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Housewarming Party

A huge part of the postgrad life is attending all of the benchmark events of your friends and acquaintances. But if I can be rather blunt with you, I don’t want to go to your Jack and Jill bridal shower. I don’t want to go to your engagement party. I will go to your bachelor party because that goes without saying. But if you have a kid, can I just send a card? Do I have to attend a 1-year-old’s birthday party? That’s the easiest birthday to make it to because you’re literally attached to a tit the entire year. It shouldn’t be a monumental occasion. One thing you can count me in for, however, is your housewarming party.

First off, let’s talk about the culinary environment. If you’ve purchased a home, you most likely have a grill. Any event with a BBQ is automatically a win. Grilled meats? Hello. Pasta salad? Yes please. Four different bags of potato chips? Count me in. House warmings are the pinnacle of potluck dinners. Everyone knows the day is about the person or couple who purchased their new home together, but if people aren’t talking about that strawberry rhubarb pie you baked, what is the point? If the crowd isn’t buzzing about your homemade baked Mac ‘n cheese, were you even at the party? Everyone brings their A game to these things, and that’s why you don’t eat breakfast the day of a housewarming.

Secondly, there is beer. A lot of beer. Anyone worth their salt will be supplying at least a portion of the days liquor. You just bought a 6-figure piece of property. What’s another couple bucks to stock that flower pot turned cooler with some cold ones? This means your boy is drinking for free. And for that, I thank you. The only shitty part about this aspect is some poor asshole has to be the one to drive home. When a majority of your friends are scattered throughout the state in areas where the ride sharing industry is not sustainable, someone has to bite the bullet and stay (relatively) sober for the event.

This is just a minor bump in the road because the other three housewarming parties you will attend throughout the year are fair game for you to get housed while your carpooling buddies take their turn behind the wheel. And you better believe I’ll be in the back either napping or slugging twisted teas inconspicuously out of a 7/11 Big Gulp the entire ride home. And hey, maybe you’re lucky enough to know some well-to-dos who have three spare bedrooms and can put your drunk ass up for the night. This is best case scenario and if this is the case, I’d like to be your friend.

Third, the cost-benefit analysis just makes sense. So what you have to shell out $50 on a Home Depot gift card or a few choice items off the registry and a bottle of Apothic Red. When it is your turn, you can bank on that much, ten-fold. It’s simple karma. What goes around comes around. So just remember to not be that cheap asshole that shows up with a couple pot holders and a bottle of Barefoot. You might just get forgotten when it comes time to write the thank you notes. Unless I am talking to Aunt Carol, I appreciate your knitting.

If you have a housewarming party coming up, first of all, congratulations. Second, my twitter handle is attached to my profile. Feel free to slip me an invite. My wife makes a killer pasta salad.

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