I’m sure that most of the girls I’ve hooked up with have also hooked up with a “music guy” in their past. “The Music Guy” is, of course, in reference to one who thinks that putting “Often” by The Weeknd on before a romp in the sack is going to enhance the experience in some way. But I think if you asked a lot of women, and men for that matter, they’ll tell you that music during sex is about as cliché as it gets.
Getting a girl to come back to your subpar apartment is always going to be a delicate dance. It probably takes a few minutes of awkward conversation while you’re closing your tab, but once the two of you are inside a cab, your ESPN probability of closing skyrockets. Back inside the friendly confines of your apartment, after paying that 2x Uber fare and before she heads to the bathroom you forgot to clean, you’re faced with a dilemma of sorts.
Are you going to put some music on while you’re hooking up or you going to go organic? And by organic, I mean lighting your bedside candle and simply enjoying the grunts, moans, and other less-than-savory sounds that come along with having sex?
I’ve always found playing music while doing the deed to be a little bit, dare I say, corny? Unoriginal? Doing a little too much? I’m incredibly immature, so while I can absolutely see where guys are coming from when they put on Marvin Gaye’s “Sexual Healing” or one of the million songs by The Weeknd that were no doubt made to be played during sex, it just feels off. Is it a cultural thing? Because if I heard “How Deep Is Your Love?” by The Bee Gee’s during coitus, I’d have a hard time not laughing and completely ruin the mood.
No one needs a fucking soundtrack on while they’re fucking. This isn’t Love and Basketball. And it certainly isn’t Top Gun. You can’t throw on “Take My Breath Away” or some sensual Boyz II Men and be taken seriously, can you? Imagine yourself mid-stroke inside some girl. You’re making eye-contact with her while Brian McKnight’s “Back At One” comes on. I don’t know about you, but if it were me I’d be laughing so hard I’d be crying.
Back in my prime which is also commonly referred to as the college years, many a drunken sexual encounter were accompanied by songs like “ID + Vocal” by Avicii and “The Sign” by Ace of Base. But that’s because I was hooking up with people at parties. We’d sneak off to a bathroom, someone else’s bedroom, or a broom closet while the party continued without us. Never in a million years would I voluntarily put on some music because you know what I’d be thinking while it played and she offered to get on top?
“This girl thinks I’m corny as fuck.”
“I wonder if she likes this song.”
“I should have just lit that Pumpkin and Cinnamon candle and left the Simon and Garfunkel off while she was “peeing.”
There’s a reason people refer to certain genres and songs as “mood music.” I get that. I’m just not hardwired to want to play music while hooking up. Phony isn’t the right word for it because I can get where people are coming from when they put music on mid-coitus. It’s a good idea in theory. They think it’s enhancing the experience somehow, but to me, it’s always going to feel a little forced. I’d much rather just leave the stereo off and give myself a pat on the back for getting laid. You’re trying to do way too much when you put Marvin Gaye on, and there’s a pretty good chance she’s going to find it all a bit hackneyed. .
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