If you’ve ever read a column I’ve written, you know I’m an incredibly obnoxious Jewish guy from New York City so, naturally, I’ve got a few opinions about pizza. Good pizza is better than sex. Bad pizza is better than most sex. But pizza from a chain pizza place (ie: Dominos, Papa Johns, Pizza Hut, et all) is the equivalent of George Lucas and Steven Spielberg molesting Indiana Jones on “South Park.” Why would you do that to pizza? What did pizza ever do to you?
These pizza chains even seem to be aware of how much their product sucks. Dominos has been airing their “we’re sorry we suck” commercials for the last couple of years, and now Pizza Hut is entering the fray with a new menu that they will be launching next week which features “More premium ingredients. Bold new sauces. Exciting flavor enhancers. Great on their own, mind-blowing combined.”
And the results are…pretty bad. Actually, laughably bad.
For example, their brand new “Premium Ingredients” include banana peppers and Spinach, which you’ve been able to put on your Subway sandwiches since before Jared was telling you to “Eat Fresh.” And Meatballs? You can find those at any random pizzeria on any corner of any city in this country. I also wouldn’t trust that these meatballs are 100% “Seasoned pork and beef” until the USDA gets a good look at ’em.
Then there are the “Bold New Sauces”, one of which is “Classic Marinara”, which leads me to believe that for the last 50 or so years, Pizza Hut has been serving you something that does not qualify as “classic” marinara sauce. But if that’s not tomato-ey enough for you, try their new “Premium Crushed Tomato”, which is a nice way of saying “Give us $2 extra and we’ll give you the good shit instead of the garbage we serve the poors.”
Then you can get “Sauce Drizzles” like balsamic vinegar that no doubt some punk kid will rub on his balls as a practical joke, and “Crust Flavors”, which include Soft Pretzel, Honey Siracha, and a bunch of other shit that tries to take your mind off of the fact that you’re eating hot cardboard. I’m convinced that eating enough of the “Hut Favorite” will make you look like Jabba the Hutt.
But if you’re concerned about packing on the pounds, don’t worry, they’re now offering SKINNY FLAVORED PIZZAS, which swear they’re less than 250 calories a slice. Considering those slices are about the size of an iPhone, they must still be pretty fucking fattening. Then again, if you’re concerned about calories, why not just try, I don’t know, NOT EATING PIZZA? Save it for us fat fucks who’ve given up on life.
“PREPARE YOUR TASTE BUDS,” warns Pizza Hut, knowing that they’re shoveling crap down your throat.
I give up. If y’all keep eating this shit, they’re gonna make it. Enjoy your shitty pizza, know that all you’re doing is encouraging these bastards to keep making pure crap..