You are what you pin to the cork board.
Elementary School Fundraiser
The ultimate guilt trip, Sharon the secretary has already sent out three company-wide emails about the order form in the kitchen. Instead of making her child do any leg work (that’s what’s wrong with kids these days) she panders to her coworkers to help her daughter’s school buy new sports equipment or a desk or something. You feel a little bad because you didn’t have any cash on you when they were collecting for Sharon’s Christmas bonus, so you told them you would give her something yourself–but you forgot because the holidays are hectic enough as it and no one gave you a Christmas bonus. The problem is that no one wants a fruit basket or gift wrap, Sharon. Talk to me when it’s Girl Scout cookie season.
You tried to explain to Keith that he would get a lot more offers if he put that couch online, but he and his wife had just watched that documentary on the Craigslist killer and they didn’t feel comfortable giving a stranger their address. Everyone at the office has seen how disgusting he keeps his cubicle and is scared of what they would find in his furniture. I heard last week Keith found a 3D Dorito in his desk drawer–I think they stopped making those in 2002.
You’re not a cat person, but just like those Sarah McLachlan commercials, it pulls a little at your heart strings. The cat has just been hanging around the dumpster out back, eating old coffee grounds and cigarette butts. Everyone calls him Mr. Mittens. Your apartment has a $500 nonrefundable deposit for pets, and that’s money better spent on your student loans or an iPad mini. Don’t worry, you tell yourself, Bernice from the third floor has at least five cats already and is always covered in fur. She’ll give Mr. Mittens a home, at least until she dies and the cats eventually eat her body.
Generic thank you card
The Hamilton Group sent this card for Christmas 2009, and no one has bothered to take it down. The photo on the front shows Jim Hamilton, wearing a Santa costume, with the message “I’m Dreaming of a White Copy Paper Christmas.” Jim was never really known for his sense of humor. There was that rumor he and Sharon the secretary had something on the side, and now that you think about it, Sharon’s daughter does look a little like ol’ Jim. Even behind that cheap Santa costume beard, you can see the similarities. Maybe she should hit him up for that damn elementary school fundraiser.
Harold and Marsha made a New Year’s resolution to exercise more. They have stuck to it pretty well so far, and they don’t even run out of breath when they take one flight of stairs anymore. They have already lost 15 pounds (collectively) and want to get everyone in the office fit. Isn’t it enough that we devote eight hours of our day to this place without getting the third degree about our fitness routine? Marsha wasn’t so high and mighty back in December when she would dip her potato chips in mayonnaise. Harold was the go-to guy for lunch recommendations; now all he does is offer you celery sticks and try to get you to do a few laps with him on your lunch break.
Coupons For Local Restaurants
A couple of takeout menus and a 10 percent off coupon stained in soy sauce are on the board. You’re sad to admit that you already have the Chinese place, Jimmy John’s, and some gyro guy’s numbers in your “Favorites” contacts. This place may not give you a decent salary, full benefits, or respect, but at least they’ll help you save 70 cents on your Chick-fil-A order. You have to play it cool though. The last time someone dropped off those “Buy One Get One Free” cards for footlong subs at Subway, you took them all so you wouldn’t have to buy groceries that month. Everyone got pretty suspicious of you after your third straight week of eating nothing but Italian BMTs.
It’s mostly hidden behind the rest of the clutter, and no one has had to reference it since that big “Safety in the Workplace” seminar back in September. You didn’t even realize it was possible for someone to herniate a disk by changing the toner in the copier. The company had to pay a shit ton of money to Carla for her medical bills and subsequent lawsuit. It doesn’t seem fair that that brittle Latina gets to retire at 42 just because she has to wear a back brace for the rest of her life.