I wouldn’t say that I’m a germophobe. I’ve taken dumps in public restrooms before and have ignored the 5 Second Rule on more than a dozen occasions. I’m up to date on all of my shots and generally don’t have a shitty immune system, and because of this I typically will take no issue with sharing glasses with strangers at bars and parties.
However, just because I don’t take issue with consuming things that may be less than sterile, doesn’t mean that I let everything slide. We’re fortunate enough to live in a world where we have multiple ways to get clean throughout the day, and to completely disregard them is basically saying, “Fuck it, I’m going to be inconsiderate to everyone I come in contact with today.”
For example, washing your hands. This takes, like, maybe 20 seconds, and once you do it you don’t have to worry about spreading your weird ass sweaty dick scent to everyone you shake hands with in the future. Why would you pass up this opportunity? There are filthy people in third world countries all over the globe that would kill to be able to wash up in a fucking well, let alone an automatic sink in an air conditioned bathroom in an office building somewhere in the Midwest.
Another prominent showing of this breed of disrespect for your fellow first-worlder is not showering after you finish working out. I’m not talking about the people who go to the gym, exercise, and then leave to go home and shower. Y’all are good. I’m talking about the folks who go for their morning run, come home, cook breakfast, head to the grocery store, get a car wash, and then think to themselves, “I should probably take a shower, huh?”
That shit is fucked up for so many reasons that I can’t even begin to explain, but I’m going to try. First of all, you smell like ass. There’s a belief among some people that they either don’t sweat, or don’t smell after breaking a sweat. I’m firmly convinced that there is no way that’s possible. I’ve been in enough locker rooms, dorm rooms, gyms, bathrooms, and outdoor bars to know that whether you like it or not, you aren’t sexy when you just got finished working out. You smell. Take a shower and figure your shit out.
(Note: The above is from the perspective who has not just finished a workout. If you and your partner just locked down some strenuous physical activity, that shit is inexplicably sexy. Get all horned up and go to town on each other.)
In addition to smelling like sour vinegar, you have this weird film of salt-like substance all over your body. I’m sure there’s a scientific term for it, but in the spirit of transparency, I’ve done little to no research on this topic. The fact is, if you’ve ever felt sweat dry on you, you’ve felt this film before. Now imagine walking around all day with that across your skin, spanning it across the lesser sweet potatoes that you reach across to get to the trophy tots at the top. Don’t you think some of that sweat salt might break off and add a little bit of unnecessary seasoning? I sure do.
The thing that frustrates me most about this concept is that the people who execute it act like it’s some totally normal thing. I won’t name names because we have a national no-snitching policy that I want to adhere to, but I know a few people who have hit the gym, skipped the shower, and gone to work right afterward. I know some who have gone out to the bar right after a 5 mile run.
In my opinion, that’s one of the most selfish things you can do. Nonchalantly strolling into your place of work, or worse, your favorite bar, reeking of butt sweat and sprinkling your nastiness all over the place? That ruins everyone’s day, and now you’re an asshole all because you decided disregard personal hygiene.
Don’t be that person. Take a fucking shower. .
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