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People In The Office Whose Asses You Should Really Be Kissing

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It’s tough to get through the work week without some help from your allies in the office. Whether you need some favors to get your project done on time, or you just don’t want to be hassled, there are certain positions that can grant you more assistance than most others. These are the people whose toast you should be jellying. They might not have the most glamorous jobs in the world, but they have a lot of authority over your shit.

Receptionist

How many calls do you get a day from people you don’t want to talk to? Whether they’re annoying clients, or people trying to get a job, you just don’t have time for them. How do you get around having to talk to these people? By buttering up the receptionist. Receptionists are easily the most bribable people in the office, because their job sucks, and they get paid basically nothing. They’re also always trying and failing to go on a diet, so cookies are always welcome. Before you know it, they’ll be covering for you when an exec is looking for you while you’re on a smoke break, and even take messages for you from clients, even though that’s not in their job description. A happy receptionist means an easier, phone-lessened day, which is all you can really ask for out of a white collar job.

Janitor

I’ve never met a janitor I didn’t like. I think it’s something about how humbling the work is that attracts affable people. Assholes with absurdly high opinions of themselves don’t tend to be willing to take on a job that is basically low-wage servitude. Cleaning out garbage sucks. I’ve done it. There are so many ways to get in good with the custodial staff. The easiest is to just not make such a fucking mess. Keep your area clean at all times. Throw away food items in the main trash instead of your tiny wastebasket. Sweep up the messes you make. Don’t piss all over the toilet seat like a damn animal. Then, try to figure out when they take their breaks. Offer them cigarettes if you smoke, or play it by ear and offer a hit off your bowl (if you partake). If they offer you the hard stuff, just smile and politely decline. Just because you’re trying to make friends who can let you into the office outside normal hours doesn’t mean you should pick up a PCP habit.

Executive Assistant

“But what’s the difference between this person and the receptionist?” said the idiot who doesn’t know how offices work. The executive assistant likely works harder than just about anyone else in the office. They have the burden of their boss’s schedule without the salary and company car to massage the intensity. If you want to get on the good side of the person who’s in charge of your promotion, you have to go through their assistant first. Hell, the assistant is often your only way in. It’d be weird if you went to the CFO and just randomly invited him to play squash on the weekends, especially given that your only squash experience was a racquetball class you took in college that you never showed up to. His assistant, however, is much more accessible. They eat in the lunchroom with everyone else, and they’re much closer to your age. Invite them to go grab drinks after work sometime, and have a standing offer for them to join you for burgs and margs on the weekend. Pretty soon you’ll be close friends with the person who merely has to whisper your name and get you put in a new position before its existence is even announced. But whatever you do, do NOT sleep with them. There’s nothing so terrifying and career-fucking as an exec assistant scorned.

Everyone at the lunch spot around the corner

There might be dozens of restaurants around your place of work, but I’m the type of person who tends to frequent one place once I settle on it. Sure, these people don’t technically work in your office, but they might as well. They play a bigger part of your daily work life than most people you work with, so you should definitely get on their good side. You want to make sure this is one of those places where the owner is there. Whether it’s a deli, a hole in the wall Mexican place, or an old school greasy spoon, go for small, good family food. The waiter at Sizzler doesn’t give a fuck about whether you like him, and he doesn’t have the power to hook you up anyway. But if you and Larry the deli counter guy become good friends, you’re well on your way to better portion sizes, free drinks, and becoming his go-to guinea pig for new sandwich ideas. Plus Larry’s been around the block a few times, so it’s always beneficial to hear his stories.

IT Guy

First of all, don’t watch porn at work. No matter how cool you are with the tech guys, it’s never a good idea to put yourself in that position. Plus, why? I mean if you really, really need to rub one out in the work bathroom, go to the spank bank, or use your phone. Just remember to disconnect from the WiFi, because you never know. But the IT guys are super helpful to have as friends. They can make your life great, or a daily dose of hell. You want your favorite websites to stay unblocked? Be nice to the IT guy. You want your computer fixed quickly and on time? Be nice to the IT guy. You want your manager to not find out how much time you dedicate to online shopping? You get the idea. So how do you go about being nice to the IT guy? Well first, don’t be an asshole. For some reason, people who don’t understand computers get very defensive about their computers not working. Secondly, try to fix your problems yourself first, and reiterate to them everything you tried before putting in a work order. Thirdly, be patient. They have a lot of shit to do, and your minor computer annoyance isn’t all that important in the grand scheme of things.

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Randall J. Knox

Randall J. Knox (known colloquially to his friends as "Knox") left his native Texas a few years ago, and moved to Los Angeles in his '03 Buick Regal named LeRoi to write movies with his jackass college buddies. His favorite things in life include bourbon that's above his pay grade, mix CDs, and Kevin Costner films. He isn't sure what "dad jeans" are exactly, but he knows he wants a pair.

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