1. “I have no money. I will never have money ever again in my life.”
My landlord has yet to deposit the $800 rent check I gave him two days ago and there’s only $762.43 in my checking account. Did I really need that crockpot and reasonably priced bath mat? God, I’m such an idiot. Oh no. OH GOD NO. I’m going to be poor for the rest of my life. I will never be able to provide for a family because I am such a loser. Am I eligible for welfare or some sort of government assistance program? Is that available for college educated people? Maybe I can sell off some assets? But I don’t have any assets, nor do I even know how I would go about doing that. Jesus, I can’t be seen inside of a pawn shop.
2. “I’m getting fired.”
I forgot to include the file attachment in my last email and had to send ANOTHER email with the file attachment and admit my mistake in a second email, thus cluttering up someone’s inbox. My boss hasn’t responded in five minutes. Here we go. This is it. They hate me. I’m making their life a living hell. They already have to deal with me enough. Just breathe. Your first job is never your last job. I’m going to have to start all over. I’m going to have to work at a new company with new policies and I’ll lose all of my work friends. I don’t care about my work friends, but I don’t want to put forth the effort it takes to make more new work friends. They can still write me a recommendation even after firing me, that’s a law. I’ll sue them if they don’t. Lawyer up, assholes. Oh God, legal fees. Oh God, going to court. I gotta get outta here. I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE.
3. The “I have no idea why this is happening” one
Did you see the way that tree branch is hanging? We’re all gonna die. Everyone’s dead. This is just like Final Destination. I’m going to die without even establishing my legacy. I am going to be forgotten about just as soon as I’m dead. I’m dead. I will not live to see tomorrow. What was that noise? I AM NOT SAFE HERE.
4. Crippling hangover anxiety
My headache is gone and I’ve got some pizza in my stomach. All is well…well, maybe not. I’ve got the shakes. I’m too terrified to even move. A nap would be nice, but I don’t know if I’d wake up from it. Let’s put on The Best of Chris Farley. Laughter. That will do me good. Oh man, Matt Foley. Classic. I love Chris Farley. Fucking speedballs. Did I do coke last night? Oh my God, I think I did. I’m going to get addicted to it and die. I probably spent $150 dollars last night at the bar. I can’t check my bank account right now. If I did, I would probably have a heart attack or a stroke or a pulmonary embolism. My body is teetering on the edge of death right now. Must stay alive.
5. “I’m going to die alone”
It’s been six months since I have had any sort of physical contact with a member of the opposite sex. Four months since I had a date and there are zero romantic prospects on the horizon. I’ve lost about 20 pounds since college and I make good money. Why doesn’t anyone love me? I’m going to have to have my sperm/eggs frozen. That’s going to cost me money. If I don’t have children soon, people are going to start asking questions. The holidays are tough enough as it is. All I have to live for is tacos. Tacos and booze. I have disgraced my family name.