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Overworked Bachelor Can’t Find Girlfriend, Has No Use For Penis, Cuts It Off, Rides Bike To Hospital

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The struggle might be real for you, but it’s way, way, way realer for Yang Hu, the Chinese man who was so certain he would never get laid again that he cut off his only penis, according to Daily Mail.

“A Chinese man frustrated at being single cut off his own penis then, in agony, decided to cycle to a hospital for treatment.”

Oh, you got set up on a slightly awkward blind date with a douchebag that took you to Olive Garden last weekend? Please tell us more about how awful your life is. This guy severed his own meat stick because he couldn’t find a date, and then rode his fucking bicycle to the hospital. Riding a bike with a penis isn’t the most pleasant experience, but I imagine riding a bike just after cutting off your penis is even less enjoyable.

“When he arrived, doctors told him they couldn’t help save his manhood and ordered him to cycle back home to get the penis before he could be treated.”

Oh, you’re upset because you don’t really understand how Obamacare will effect you? Please continue to complain about how awful America’s healthcare system is. In China, if you cut off your dick and then ride a bicycle to the hospital but forget your dick back at home, the doctors will literally make you bike back home to retrieve your dick, and then bike back to the hospital before they will treat you.

“When Yang Hu, 26, eventually arrived back at the hospital with the severed member, doctors told him that it had been without blood for too long, and it was impossible to reattach it.”

I can hear the evil doctors laughing at this poor bastard. “Holy shit, you actually made it back! We totally expected you to bleed out on that stupid fucking bicycle. Whelp, let’s see that severed cock. Oh wow, it’s dead. Sorry, bro. Better luck next time. Oh wait, there is no next time. HA!”

“His friends criticized doctors saying that had they provided the man with an ambulance he might have managed to get home quicker and his private parts could have been saved.”

It seems to me that criticism is totally warranted in this situation.

“Yang’s friends said that he had been increasingly depressed about the fact that since moving to the city he could not find a girlfriend.
What was worse, they said, was that he was doing such long hours in a clothing factory in Jiaxing, in Zhejiang province in east China, that he doubted he would ever have a chance to meet a woman.”

We’ve all been there, Yang. We’ve all been there. We all hate our jobs, and everyone goes through a dry spell now and then. However, normal men just drink heavily and scream swear words at their televisions during professional sporting events to let off some steam before streaming hours of glorious online pornography. You cut off your penis.

Don’t be like Yang. Stay strong out there.

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[via Daily Mail]

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Ross Bolen

Ross Bolen is a New York Times Bestselling author, co-host of the Oysters, Clams & Cockles podcast, co-host of the Back Door Cover podcast, perpetually disappointed Rockets fan, Astros fan, and Texans fan who attended the 2017 Masters.

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