Did that thought actually just enter my mind? There’s no way I just actually considered that, right? Oh God. Oh dear God. That’s it, Joe. You’ve officially gone insane. Bonkers. Bananas. You have Shitter Madness, and the only prescription is escape. My shit’s over, and somehow nobody has come in yet, so time for a quick wipe and then I’m gonna ghost out of here and pretend none of this ever ha…
(Joe, who has finally finished shitting, reaches for the toilet paper, only to realize he actually had used the rest of it, during the creation of his sanitary-grade flash bang)
No. No! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! Honestly, I don’t even care anymore at this point. DON’T EVEN CARE!!! I’m getting the FUCK out of here.
(Joe pulls up his pants, flushes the toilet, and exits the stall. The motion sensor is triggered)
THE LIGHT! IT BURNS!!!
(Blinded, Joe attempts to find the sink, but slips and falls in a puddle that he would have otherwise noticed. Joe gets knocked unconscious)
Am… Am I dead?
(Joe looks around, surveying his new surroundings. He’s in a beautiful, sprawling bathroom with a mustachioed attendant, crystal light fixtures (operated by switch, not motion sensor), and marble countertops)
So this is heaven? Not bad, not bad at all! Jesus, look at all this toilet paper! I can finally wipe my ass! You know what? Fuck it – I’m in heaven. I’m gonna take a super loud, fart-riddled shit. The kind you tone down at the office but let rip at home. One of those ones that sounds like a 32-piece orchestra of dirtbike motors.
(Joe sits down on the toilet and lets it rip. He notices that his ass feels dryer than it should – his Inception-style totem, drops of splashback water on his ass, has not been triggered. Joe realizes he is dreaming and wakes up covered in water on the bathroom floor)
Wh… What time is it?
(Joe pulls out his phone, the screen of which has been cracked, spiderwebbed as a result of his tumble. Through the thick black lines, Joe notices that he has an unread email. He opens it)
God damn it..
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