Only Slobs Put Ketchup Directly On Their Fries, And Other Food Conundrums

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Only Slobs Put Ketchup Directly On Their Fries, And Other Food Conundrums

This morning while I was preparing my morning routine (shower, shave, applying an ice mask if my face is a little puffy), I came across a tweet that was sent to Metro Boomin, a popular producer of rap music for artists such as Kanye West, Drake, and (most notably) Future. For those of you not in the know, one of the staples of any song produced by Young Metro, as he is sometimes called, is that right at the beginning of a song you’ll hear a voice say “If Young Metro don’t trust you, Imma shoot you”. Nice, right?

Well, this morning I came across a picture that was tweet to Metro of a basket of fries with ketchup all over them. The question to Metro was simple — “Do we trust people who do this?” His response was prompt and to the point “Hell no.” That naturally got me thinking about food and I have a few quirks that people do that I would consider out of the ordinary.

Ketchup On Fries vs. Ketchup To Dip Fries In

I don’t understand why people feel the need to spray ketchup all over a basket of fries. It’s fucking barbaric. Fries are usually a group snack, as everyone digs their greedy mitts into whoever got the basket. This means people licking their fingers. You really want a bunch of dirty ketchup fingers coming in and out of a basket of fries? No, you don’t. So just don’t do it.

For whatever reason I always picture people at like county fairs eating fries with ketchup all over them and then moving on to elephant ears. I’m a very clean eater, though. I like to wipe my hands with a napkin after every bite if I’m eating fries, a burger, a sandwich — basically anything that is even remotely messy, I’m probably wiping my hands after each bite. Dipping fries is just way better than already choosing to throw ketchup on all of them. What if I want to dip a fry in some ranch dressing? I can’t do that if there’s already a random dousing of ketchup on it because mixing ketchup and ranch would be fucking sacrilege. Dipping your fries is the only way to go, and I won’t listen to anything otherwise.

(But if you’re at a county fair or a carnival, I’ll let it slide.)

Macaroni & Cheese: Spoon vs. Fork

When Jordan Spieth, the golden boy of golf, is doing a commercial debating spoon versus fork for his mac and cheese, you know it’s a real issue. While I do see the merits of the spoon, I can’t in good conscious endorse it. If you’ve got a spoon in your hand you’re sending a message to the world that you’ve given up.

Yeah, a fork is going to be a little more effort, but you’ll thank me in the long run. When you get to the bottom of a bowl of mac all you have to do is stab the last remaining noodles with the fork. Way easier than trying to get leverage underneath a noodle with a spoon. Using a fork is fucking elegant. It’s classy. It oozes sophistication. No one over the age of 8 should be using a spoon to ladle mac and cheese into their mouth. You want to eat mac and cheese as an adult you damn well better be sure it’s with a fork.

Oh, and if you put ketchup on your mac and cheese, seriously move to Canada. As a small child, I can remember other kids frequently eating their mac and cheese with ketchup. There are rules in society, and one of them is that you cannot do that. You cannot call yourself a freedom loving American and tell me that ketchup on mac and cheese is good. Makes me want to puke just thinking about it.

Ketchup On Hot Dogs

Am I alone in thinking that not putting ketchup on a hot dog is fucking insane? You need as much flavor on a hot dog as you can get because once you start thinking about what you’re eating you’re in trouble. Just a bunch spare parts from pigs that was ground up into a sleeve for your consumption.

Throw on some ketchup. Throw mustard on there. Relish. Onions. Whatever the fuck you’ve got, give it to me so I can mask the taste of this hot dog. Chili cheese? Can’t believe you even had to ask.

I was at a Cubs game last summer when this came up because I was sitting with some friends who all grew up in the quiet suburbs just outside Chicago. We were getting wasted in the bleachers as 20 somethings are prone to do and I came back in the bottom of the sixth with a hot dog. Ketchup, mustard, and relish. You would have thought I had just taken all of my clothes off and screamed “Donald Trump for President” as loud as I could at Wrigley Field. I’m not sure if this is strictly a Chicago native thing, but they really don’t like putting ketchup on hot dogs. They can keep their weird Chicago dog with tomatoes on it. Wouldn’t touch it with a 10-foot pole.

Image via Shutterstock

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