In a headline that is sparking optimism from drinking dudes everywhere in hopes for a longer life, a 110-year-old man named Mark Behrend claims that the key to his longevity is drinking beer everyday, according to an Omaha.com article.
So, all of you crunchy-granola health fanatics who have been religiously shoving kale down your throats and judging me for having an occasional Samuel Adams Octoberfest in belief that the magazine articles you’ve been reading will expand your life a few years, it’s time to eat crow and give credit to the most rad supercentenarian to ever have a birthday party thrown for him. Hell, he probably doesn’t even know what kale is.
For what it’s worth, though, Behrend admits that he partook in this daily hobby in extreme moderation: exactly one beer per day, at 3:00 PM exactly. It’s true, unfortunately for all the regular ragers who are reading this and were starting to think you had an unknown method to your madness, you’re still shit out of luck.
There’s no documented track record on Behrend’s history of raging, but if I were a betting man, I’d say he had a shit ton of fun in the first half of his life, and then decided to wise up when he started the back nine (around age 60, that is). And for that, I give him the utmost respect. It’s not like Michael Jordan quit liking basketball altogether after he retired in 1993 (and then again in 1998, and again in 2003), ya know? True, MJ may have been pretty worthless as a Washington Wizard, but he stuck to his life’s passion, and continues to be involved today as a horrible owner for the Charlotte Hornets — these things keep him relevant. Moderation is crucial.
You’ve also gotta give a good pat on the back to Behrend for not being a beer snob, as he claims he accepts any brand for his daily 12-ounce brew. It’s hard not to admire simplicity like that.
This weekend, I will undoubtedly drink much more than this man’s life suggests is healthy for me — that’s a given. But when the time comes to settle down, I’ll be sure to adopt this guy’s persistently moderate drinking habits. In his book Treatise on Atonement, Hosea Ballou wisely claimed, “Moderation is the key to lasting enjoyment.” Now, I admittedly have no idea who the fuck this Hosea guy is or what a treatise even is, but when applied to my man Mark Behrend, it’s something you could make a motivational poster out of — hopefully one that will fit in my cubicle. .
Image via YouTube