Earlier today, I reported on the yuppie scum apartment building that has its own lounge where its tenants can wait for their Ubers. On the scale of douchiness, it hovers somewhere around a five or six. It’s unnecessary and lame, but it’s not that over-the-top. It’s just a room with televisions and couches where drunk girls can hang out before asking their Uber driver to turn “Closer” by The Chainsmokers up.
The beauty of the internet is that once you put something out in the wild, the opinions start coming in. Luckily for us, one commenter pointed out an apartment building in Los Angeles that trumps all of the douchiness of the building in Washington DC. It’s a 283-unit building is scheduled to open in January on the border of Century City and Beverly Hills, and its amenities aren’t even gaudy. They’re just downright unnecessary. Bloomberg did an entire exposé on this metropolis of douchiness, and they spared no details of just how absurd it is.
The building (Ten Thousand, its called), boasts the following: rents as much as $40,000-per-month, a chauffeur-driven Rolls-Royce, in-house Botox, brewed-to-order lattes, walking distance from Santa Monica Boulevard (you know, the one Sheryl Crow sang about) and Rodeo Drive (you know, the one from D2: The Mighty Ducks), boardrooms, dog walkers, grocery grabbers, a team of four butlers, a “wellness” studio, indoor pool with underwater speakers, and a one-acre park complete with a kitchen, dog-run lawn, 84-inch television, and fire pit. Because everyone knows that only the best parks have kitchens and televisions in them.
And they don’t stop there. They also have a system that syncs with iPhones and iPads (no Android devices allowed, probably) that predict when staffers need to fetch the tenants’ vehicles or start making their coffees. They’ll even surprise the tenants with birthday cakes based on their calendars, because if you’re paying $10,000+ in rent, you best be eating cake by the lap pool.
If you’re reading this and thinking to yourself, “Fuck, I need to live here,” you’re shit out of luck because there’s already a waitlist. Looks like you’ll have to slum it in your currently luxury apartment until further notice. Peasants.