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Oh, The Places You’ll (Hopefully) Go: A Postgrad Dr. Seuss Parody

Oh, The Places You'll (Hopefully) Go: A Postgrad Dr. Seuss Parody

Congratulations!
Today is the day.
You just finished college!
Now it’s time to get paid!

You have mountains of debt.
And a fresh new degree.
But who cares about that,
You’re finally free.
You’re all on your own. And you know that it’s through.
Now all you need is something to do.

You’ll look up and down Craigslist, try Monster.com.
And maybe consider just living with mom.
But with that framed piece of paper, and your mind full of skill,
Your life is too short to just stay home and chill.

And you may not find anything,
At least not at first.
But even in that case,
It could always be worse.

Maybe you’ll intern, and be someone’s bitch.
But hey, it still beats digging a ditch.

Maybe try grad school?
Or find a temp firm?
If it all goes to hell,
Try selling your sperm.

But if things get bad,
Don’t worry, don’t fret.
All hope isn’t lost,
You’re not 30 yet!

OH!
THE PLACES YOU’LL (hopefully) GO!

You’ll be on your way up!
You’ll travel a ton!
You’ll make boatloads of cash,
And have so much fun.

You could lag behind, but let’s hope you do not.
You’ve gotta do something to earn you that yacht!
Whatever you do, you’ll face many a test,
Like learning your weekends still aren’t for rest.

Except when they are, like Sundays hungover.
You’ll promise yourself that from now on you’re sober.

I’m sorry to tell you,
But, really, it’s true.
The party only stops
The minute you do.

You can whine that you’re old,
Or complain that you’re tired.
But you’re there to have fun,
And to not get fired.

It might not be easy,
Hell, sometimes it’s hard,
And you might have some issues
With your first credit card.

But don’t get depressed
Or turn into a bummer.
I know that it sucks
Working all through the summer.

But you’ve done this before, and you’ll do it again.
So don’t worry too much about making new friends.
The place may be new, but you’re still the same!
You’ll find some new people to watch football games,
Just don’t get too drunk to remember their names.

But IF you have trouble, and it’s likely you will…
Don’t sell yourself short, you aren’t run of the mill!
Your job may be simple, and your bills may be large,
And there may be nobody impressed by your car.
But chin up, sport, just reach for that star.

On and on you will go,
Try not to have fear.
This whole postgrad life
Is like a new freshman year!
It doesn’t help to obsess
With what you make in a year.
Onwards and upwards
To greatness you’ll strive.
You’re a cubicle warrior,
But at least you’re alive!
Just try to ignore
Your declining sex drive.

You might get mixed up,
Or find yourself in affliction.
Especially if you can afford
A cocaine addiction.
Just be sure when you make it,
You keep well in mind
The wonderful people
That you left behind.

They miss you, they love you,
They hope you’ll succeed.
And one day you’ll pay back
All that you’ve received.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will indeed!
(somewhere around fifty percent guaranteed)

KID, YOU’LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!

So…
If growing up starts to feel dreadful or grey
Or scary, or awful, or just plain cliche
Have no fear, kid!
Today is your day!
A new chapter is waiting.
So…get on your way!

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Joe Nullet

Joe is a writer for Post Grad Problems and TotalFratMove who enjoys an after-work Yuengling just as much as the next guy. He still doesn't own a box spring for his bed, but if you know a guy who is selling one he's definitely interested.

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