I was never into sports growing up. I was too small in elementary school to get a basketball up to the hoop, so I was the only kid in the class rocking a volleyball during b-ball day in gym. While other kids were stoked about being in the school’s track and field meet, I was more content reading V.C. Andrews books on the bleachers and drinking all of the Capri Suns. The closest thing I got to a sports award was the participation ribbon I got from a golf camp my mom forced me into one summer – a summer I mainly spent rolling my eyes at the instructors and counting down the minutes until I could go home to VH1.
I’m never going to be the girl super excited about baseball tickets or down to play ‘horse’ before happy hour. I only go to the gym because I’m vain and want to look good in a crop top but still be able to down IPAs at the bar. Also because I’d like to avoid being another number adding to statistics on the CDC’s page about heart disease.
And, for the most part, I think the majority of people are with me.
The only time I think people actually make an effort to say “Look how active and fit I am!” is when they’re trying to impress someone they’re newly dating. No one says right from the get go that their ideal activity is eating saltine crackers and peanut butter in sweatpants while watching eight straight hours of HBO GO. You can’t let the cat out of the bag that you would much rather drink a bottle of wine at home sans glass than get all dolled up to spend $70 fighting strangers for a space at a bar rail on a Saturday night.
Nobody is as active and cool as they look on Instagram.
Do you think that girls honestly force their boyfriends to do couples yoga in the park because it’s a good bonding activity and “really helps their back?” No, they do it so they can contort their backs into the shape of a heart, slap some Valencia over their Lululemon asses, caption it with an emoji, and rake in those likes. It’s all about that ‘Gram, and it makes them feel even more validated when strangers start Snapchatting them in the park.
Do you think that anyone who invites you to go indoor rock climbing on a first date is doing so because they think potentially falling 25 feet and getting massively sweaty sounds like a good time? No, they’re doing so because they saw you used the hashtag #gymlife once, and they’re trying to impress you. They’re hoping they catch you sending a picture of your climbing shoes to all of your pals in a group text and ideally captioning it something like “hardcore date ;)”.
No one is as active as they’d have you believe.
We marathon to brag about it, spend $200 on yoga pants because they make our butts look unreasonably amazing, and risk getting massively sunburned on a paddleboard for the possibility of an over the shoulder pic all so people will think we’re really impressive, adventurous, and more athletic than we actually are. It’s science: How can I make this person think I’m super dope so they want to have after drinks and morning sex with me? I don’t answer the “What do you do for fun?” question with “Hiking with my dog” out of impulsivity. That is calculated so I sound outdoorsy, so you ask to meet my dog, and then start planning the vacation we could take to Glacier National Park together.
So, sorry to everyone who is reading this going, “No I really do run every day and LOVE IT. You’re just lazy.” The jig is up. You can stop asking me if I want to join your boot camp and suggesting that we rent rollerblades next weekend. I want to stay on the roof where there is an indoor area with AC, a grill for snacks, and where the most “exercise” I do is walking to the cooler to get another Stella. And if you’re being honest, that sounds like way more fun to you too. .
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