Skipped out on this weekend again, huh? I’ll cut you some slack. I’m sure you had a busy weekend doing a bunch of… honestly, I’m not sure what people do on the weekends during football season. Isn’t it dove season or something? Idk, regardless, I’m here to pick up your water cooler slack.
HOU @ CAR
“Ryan Mallet has a HOF-worthy case of dumb-face.”
“Cam Newton’s receiving core couldn’t start on the Little Giants.”
Compare the Hard Knocks curse and the Madden curse.
SF @ Pitt
“Heard that questionably upheld Boldin TD really dicked CrashDavis in fantasy.”
“Amazing that the Niners coach was able to break stereotypes and become a successful former prom king, instead of a balding douchebag still wearing his letterman jacket.”
“I think the Steelers got more out of Darius Heyward-Bey the last two games than the Raiders ever did.”
TB @ NO
“Wait, you guys didn’t pick the Bucs to rebound? Rookies.”
“It looks to me as though Brees really misses Jimmy Graham.”
Openly complain about Mike Evans throwing up a fucking fantasy doughnut.
DET @ MIN
“It’s amazing what a year-long suspension for child abuse can do for a guy’s conditioning.”
“Think deFries is sitting in a dark office listening to Kid Rock and staring at the floor?”
“I just can’t quit the Lions man. I always bet, and I always lose.”
ARI @ CHI
“Clausen didn’t look awful for a guy who announced his commitment to ND with a limo and frosted tips.”
“DA BEARSSSSS… gave up a fucking 50-bomb, they suck.”
Pick the Cards as your new Super Bowl sleeper.
NE @ BUF
“Anyone notice Redzone borrow some music from a shitty cable drama while they loaded that guy into the ambulance?”
“Tyrod Taylor is going to the Pro Bowl, heard it here first.”
“Is Brady ever going to lose again?”
SD @ CINC
“Was it just me or is Andy Dalton styling his fucking hair under his helmet?”
Let the group take joy in the fact that on-field asshole Phillip Rivers lost.
“Glad I used that mid-round pick on Bernard after Jeremy Hill laid it on the ground twice.”
ATL @ NYG
“OBJ is a freak… also, think that was actually him muff-diving Amber Rose?”
“Giants head coach next year: Nick Saban. Write it down.”
Whenever someone mentions Julio Jones, just make an impressed sound and nod your head vigorously in agreement.
STL @ WASH
Bring up RG3 right away despite him doing nothing.
Admit to not paying attention to this one because no one outside of DC and STL did.
“Nah, I can’t go to lunch guys… I bet big on the Rams to cover.”
TEN @ CLE
“How hard do you think JFF is going to party toni……(trail off and respect the sobriety)”
Reminisce how hard college-era Manziel would’ve partied, suggest that a rapper (preferably Fetty Wap, but your call) would’ve shown up in the club.
Give a generic statement about Mariota showing promise but clearly having things to work on.
DAL @ PHI
“Buck and Aikman are starting to look like molded carrots.”
“I’d rather watch Donald Trump sunbathe than watch that dumpster fire first half again.”
“That game was a special kind of hell.”
Poor one out for Crash and D-Man, both mourning the loss of Romo, but acknowledge that the Cowboys D shut Chip Kelly’s offense the fuck down.
BAL @ OAK
“The Ghost of Al Davis strikes again.”
Definitely argue against Flacco being an elite QB.
“Carr to Amari is the next Manning to Marvin.”
MIA @ JAC
Make sure they don’t remember you hinting that Bortles was a bust last week.
“Thank God I listened to my instinct and started Allen Robinson.”
“We need a shitty Florida-related name to this rivalry. Either the “Stand Your Ground” game or the “Battle of the Retirement Communities”
SEA @ GB
“If I ran into Marshawn Lynch in a dark alley, I’d shit my pants”
Admit to switching to the Emmy’s a couple times.
“What blackmail does James Jones have on Aaron Rodgers that turns him into his favorite receiver?”
Remember the three keys to football water cooler talk: bold statements, fantasy team complaints, false past predictions. .
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