New Pizza Products Of The Future

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From Little Caesar’s new pretzel crust pizza with nacho cheese sauce to the Blake Shelton peddled Pizza Hut’s FTW pizza with bacon and cheese inside the crust, it’s time for everyone to step their game up with further innovation. And I’d like to help.

Attention, national pizza chains: I’m offering all of these new pizza product ideas to you, totally free. When a competitor beats you to the punch, don’t say I didn’t give you a heads up.

Let’s take a trip through time, to experience pizza…of the future!


Just like the old gag where a stripper jumps out of a cake, this is a giant Chicago-style super deep dish pizza, with a live stripper inside. Great for bachelor parties, birthday celebrations, or a scene for fatass badass Steven Seagal’s comeback in “Under Siege 3.”


We’ve all seen football shaped pizzas. So cute. But it’s been done. This is pizza with crust in the shape of a regulation NFL football, completely coated in cheese and toppings, but stuffed with deep fried mozzarella cheese sticks. Slice up this bad boy at your next tailgate and guess who’s going home with the drunk girl who sucked down 15 shots of Fireball? Well, it’s not that pussy who brought his “famous” artichoke dip, that’s for goddamn sure.


Like the beer helmet, it’s fun to wear what you’re consuming on your head. The “Helmet O’ Pizza” is a pizza shaped helmet you wear crust side down so you can go about your day without the hassle of carrying around food. Just reach up, rip off a hunk o’ helmet, and continue on, fully satisfied. Sure, some people might think it’s gross. Fuck them. A lot of people think blowjobs and whisky are gross too. Be your own person, with “Helmet O’ Pizza.”


It’s like a t-shirt canon, that shoots pizza. Just aim in at your face, pull the trigger, and you’re in pizza heaven. Could it kill you? Maybe? But so could a lot of things, princess. Be a man.


From the makers of “Helmet O’ Pizza” comes, “Pizza Jersey.” It’s a football jersey, made of pizza, with toppings placed accordingly to mimic the design of your favorite team’s jersey. With “Pizza Jersey,” you…could…go…all…the…way! Just be careful to not get sacked by any hungry babes.


A working clock with a pizza for a face, “Pizza Clock” lets everyone know, it’s motherfuckin’ pizza time, bitch.

Should the slogan have curse words in it? I’d have to say, absolutely.


With this radio controlled pizza car, you’ll be delivering pizza to all your friends at the next pizza party. They’ll be all like, “Fuck, I want another slice, but I don’t want to stand up. This pizza party sucks my ugly dick.” Then, “RC Pizza Car” pulls up and they’re all like, “Holy fuck. Best party ever. Cocaine is on me. Let me call my dealer.”


This one is for all the lonely ladies, sad gay fellas, and, well, basically anyone who likes dildos. Some straight dudes like to shove those up their butt also. I mean, I just heard that once. No judgment here. Chill out, it’s 2014. So just eat up all that pizza on a solo Friday night, then get at that big thick dildo to fill up something other than your stomach for hot XXX pizza action.

**Adults only please.


From the makers of “Helmet O’ Pizza” and “Pizza Jersey,” it’s “Pizza Pants.” Who wants to get in your pants now? Like, EVERYONE. Seriously, wear these to the bar and you’re getting fucked. Guaranteed.


Just imagine John Madden doing an ad for a turkey, stuffed with a duck, stuffed with a chicken, stuffed with pizza. USA? Goddamn right it is.


Papa John personally eats a bunch of his pizza, pounds some of that garlic butter shit mixed with Jameson. Gets all fucked up. Then pukes it on top of another Papa John’s pizza. Peyton Manning comes to your house and throws it in your face, then screams at you.

Better ingredients. Better pizza. (huuurrrrlowwchhurlhurl) Papa John’s.

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Mike Burns

Mike Burns is a comedian, author, and writer of television. He was born in Saginaw, MI and lives in Los Angeles, via Chicago via New York. Mike graduated from Michigan State University with a degree in Advertising that he threw in the trash. He's also the creator of @DadBoner and the author of "Power Moves: Livin’ The American Dream, USA Style by Karl Welzein."

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