Columns

Never Do That Thing You’ve Never Done

Never Do That Thing You've Never Done

Last Friday I was asked last minute to bring the heat for an afternoon episode of the PGP podcast “Touching Base.” Subscribe here for iTunes and here for Soundcloud. The topic of coffee came up and I mentioned that I’d never had a cup before, which was met with much disbelief. Since the episode aired I’ve had quite a few people (2 people) reach out to me and call me a certified maniac.

Now, a lesser writer would post this column under the title “I’ve Never Had A Cup of Coffee, Come At Me” and watch the clicks roll in. But not I said the fly. I’ll barely defend myself here too. I’m naturally a high-energy guy and never needed it to wake up when I was younger. There, end of story.

I admit I also find a certain amount of satisfaction when people react to my “situation.” I know I immediately alienate myself and put a healthy amount of untrustworthiness towards my character. That’s completely fine- you shouldn’t trust me. I’m a narcissistic egomaniac who calls himself a COMEDIAN on the INTERNET. You’re the one who shouldn’t be trusted for listening to somebody like me.

“But why?” you didn’t ask. Because at twenty-eight years old, I wake up at the same time every morning. I make myself the same breakfast (two eggs over medium, chicken sausage, and oatmeal go FUCK yourself). I take the same route to work and listen to the same thirty or so songs. I work for a third of my day and go home and sleep for another third. Then I do it all over again until I die.

Refusing to drink coffee is the one last bastion I have as a man. Every man needs just one. Never been to NYC? Don’t go, it’s crowded and smells like garbage. Haven’t tried sushi yet? There’s a continent of a billion people who eat sushi everyday. Don’t contribute to the problem. Don’t try to escape the rat race. Be the rat who turns around and goes home.

So I’ll grit my teeth and get up every morning for that job. I’ll make the money I know is essential to both my survival and well-being. I’ll say, “Yes sir” and “No ma’am” and pretend to give a shit in general when anybody talks about anything. I’ll do it all because I have to.

But you know what I’m not planning on doing? Drinking your fucking coffee.

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JR Hickey

Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015.

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