Weddings are founded on rules. The groom can’t see the bride’s dress before she walks down the aisle. The bride can only wear white if she’s a virgin (ha, yeah, right). And you’re apparently not allowed to order shots at the open bar out of respect for the couple’s bar tab, but that’s neither here nor there.
Fortunately, Town & Country compiled a list of questions regarding wedding etiquette that they had answered by a wedding expert. But while I’m no expert on weddings, I am an expert when it comes to tip-toeing around people for fear that they’ll hate me forever which is why I’ve taken it upon myself to give my answers to the questions myself.
1. Is there a rule that says wedding guests can’t wear black or white?
If I’ve learned one thing about going to a wedding, it’s that you don’t want to piss off the bride. Get too drunk? You’re in the doghouse. Try to upstage her with a flashy dress? She’s probably going to unfollow you on Instagram. Forget to get her a gift? You’re not getting her Christmas card, I can promise you that.
So, sure, you can follow Town & Country’s advice and wear any color your heart desires as long as it doesn’t look too bridal. But if you’re going white, just reach into your closet and pull something else out before she turns around and throws the bouquet directly at your fucking face.
2. Do I need to dress really conservatively?
Of course not, because what every bride and groom want is a girl that looks like she’s been slutting around before the ceremony. Just kidding. There’s a huge line between dressing conservatively and dressing slutty, but if you think I’m not going to make a comment to my date if she’s wearing a dress that’s riding a good foot above her knee, you’ve got another thing coming.
3. I have the perfect present in mind. Do I really have to give something off the registry?
Town & Country deems that “going with your gut” is fine, but tread lightly before you get knocked the fuck out. I, personally, would love to just get rounds of golf for my friends who are grooms-to-be. But despite the fact that a bride might want a little downtime to herself after the wedding’s over, she might come at my throat if she knows she’s not getting a piece of the pie when it comes to the gift. A round of golf lasts under five hours whereas a set of ugly-ass china that gets used twice a year on Christmas and Easter lasts a lifetime.
4. My friend is getting married but it’s her second wedding. I gave her a present the first time. Do I need to give another?
If your friend is getting married again, consider showing up a gift in and of itself. I might be in the minority in thinking this, but expecting gifts during your second wedding is like expecting me to go to more than one event for your fucking birthday. Much like I don’t want to spend my entire weekend spending $50 per brunch, dinner, and cocktail hour, I don’t want to buy numerous Vitamixes for you and your secondhand husband. Sorry.
5. I’ve been invited to a wedding I can’t attend. Do I still need to send a gift?
Skipping the wedding and not sending a gift? Yeah, you’re toast, bro. See you later. Kiss that friendship goodbye. Delete them from your phone. Pray you don’t see them at the wedding of someone you actually have respect for.
But at the risk of sounding sexist, if you’re a dude who skips your boy’s wedding, a simple handshake and apology will probably fly despite the fact that you’re still going to look like an asshole. But if you involve the fairer sex? Might want to spend an extra fifty bucks on that gift to ensure you’re friends after.
6. Is it really tacky to just give cash?
If you’re going to a wedding where the bride and groom are turning down cash, you’re either rolling at a high-class wedding or your friends are twats. Turning down cash is like turning down drugs — you never do it; you just put it in your pocket, thank the person, and figure out what to do with it later.
7. So what exactly does that “+1” mean?
“+1” means that these people either think 1) You’re in a stable enough relationship where they know they have to accept your significant other as one of their own / spend $30 on their plated meal or 2) The married couple likes you both enough to want you there.
You can’t just be showing up with any Jane Doe on your arm without the couple’s consent or else you’ll be the person they’re talking about at Christmas when the bride’s uncle asks, “Who was that Runaround Sue that Will showed up with at your wedding?” Terrible look.
8. If I didn’t get a “+1,” do I have to come solo?
If you’re in a relationship and the bride and groom decide to omit your +1, I’ve got news for you Walter Cronkite — everyone fucking hates your significant other and you might want to move on from them if you’re looking to maintain your friendships.
9. How rude it is to skip the ceremony but attend the reception — or vice versa?
The happy couple should be so frazzled with one another that they won’t even know if you’re at the ceremony. If they do notice your absence, just know that you’ll have to go to the wedding for either one of their second marriages.
But skipping a reception…? Who the fuck skips a reception if they’re going to the ceremony? Losers, that’s who.
10. Do you have to tip anyone at a wedding?
If you want to own the open bar, your first order of action is walking directly up to the bartender, making sure they see you stuff a twenty in their jar, and order an easy-to-make cocktail. Boom, you’re on the yellow brick road to hammered. Otherwise, Town & Country suggests “50 cents to $1 a drink,” so just plan on spending $20 anyway.
11. Looks like there are no dinner options that fit my (insert restriction here) diet. Should I let the host know?
Oh, fuck. Get off your high horse, Gwyneth Paltrow. No options? They pack a fucking Kind Bar in your clutch and ease up on the champagne before you get too hammered. This isn’t an all-inclusive resort. And if you’re allergic to something, just deal with it. That’s just God’s fault, not the bride and groom’s.
12. When and what can I post on online about the wedding?
In the age of the #weddinghashtag, you can post anything you fuckin’ want once the wedding has happened. But if the ceremony has yet to happen, play your cards close before you ask someone what they’re wearing to [insert name]’s wedding and they reveal they weren’t invited. Then you’re stuck with your dick in your hand upstream without a paddle.
But hey, at least you’re not the asshole who wasn’t allowed a plus-one. .
[via Town & Country]
Image via Shutterstock