Mondays are pretty routine for me: wake up, shave, contemplate taking a personal day, and pray that someone invented a watch that speeds up time to 5 o’clock. It sucks, just like every other Monday. However, this Monday gave me hope. It let me know that there is a little light at the end of the tunnel. On this Monday, the Miami Marlins named Dan Jennings, their GM, as their new manager.
Now, why might this have given me, and probably all of you, a slight glimmer of hope? Well, it shows that you too can become an MLB manager. Never played in the MLB? No worries. Haven’t managed a game in your life? It’s okay. You’re more than qualified to manage a team with terrible ownership. Good ol’ Danny boy hasn’t coached a game since he was roaming a high school dugout in the ’80s. He’s spent some time on the diamond, but never professionally. With that in mind, I’m sending the following resume out to MLB teams for my shot at becoming a skipper in the big show.
• To obtain the position of Major League Baseball manager and win a World Series, or at least one game.
• My indicator is always the crotch grab to show my superiority over my opponents.
• I’m not bound by the unwritten rule that the pitchers should bat ninth.
• I’d encourage my players to walk on Dallas Braden’s mound.
• Been ejected from numerous baseball games for arguing balls and strikes.
• Know all the generic answers to give the media in post-game interviews.
• Go-getter attitude. A real players’ coach.
• I know what the infield fly is.
• Won back-to-back ESPN fantasy baseball championships.
• I have a beating heart.
• Watched Major League, Major League II, and Major League: Back To The Minors.
• Played 21 years of baseball (1993-2014)
• Have been managing a fantasy baseball team for eight years (2008-Present)
• Umpire heckler at the Ballpark in Arlington (1998-Present)
• I went to college and graduated.
• Anyone. Literally call anyone. I don’t need anyone to talk me up. My track record speaks for itself. I’ve been called the next Wash.
All these qualifications make me the perfect candidate to lead your team. Looking at you, Phillies, Rangers, Rockies, and Brewers..
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