I am a capable human being. I am the overlord of my 775 square-foot, over-priced urban dwelling. However, there are some tasks in my day-to-day that, as menial as they are, are just harder to accomplish seamlessly than others. These are obviously not groundbreaking undertakings; more like First World problems meets postgrad problems. Hey, I didn’t choose the postgrad lyfe. It chose me after I decided three degrees were enough, and I was naïve enough to think I could make real money out here on the white-collar streets. I may still accidentally burn shit in the microwave and lock myself out of my office on multiple occasions, but I’m starting to master some shit around here, too.
1. Eating a Hot Pocket without burning skin off the inside of my mouth.
If my self-control was already dwindling when I decided to cook a delicious carb-envelope of cheesy, meaty decadence, just wait until it’s ready for consumption. This actually extends beyond the bounds of just Hot Pockets, as I am apparently lacking the patience to allow food to cool. However, my microwave and I are making some real strides towards reaching an agreement on at least this particular issue.
2. Not getting blackout on a weeknight.
One night this week, I did something that even amazed myself. I had one — I repeat, ONE — glass of wine before bed. I’m not even talking a 16 oz. pour. It was modest. I had mixed emotions at the time. Mostly feelings of “Is this it? Is this what it has come to?” But going beyond that is a slippery slope that usually leads to me solo stumble-dancing around my living room until 2:00 a.m., when I then proceed to eat my entire refrigerator. However, Friday night, you better just be prepared. I have a job. I’m not 90.
3. Arriving at work on time AND looking well put-together.
LOL. JK. Maybe some day.
4. Bypassing post-workday naps.
On a good day, my evening should go as follows: workout, dinner, reasonable bedtime. Sometimes it is: “fuck that,” nap, whatever can be microwaved, praying I can fall back asleep at actual bedtime. Making myself choose the former is a constant battle. On average, it’s still a coin flip, but I think I’m making some real progress here.
5. Weekend activities other than 48 hours of pure sleep.
People generally know better than to schedule anything they would like my attendance at before noon. If they’re a really good friend, it won’t be before 2:00 p.m. It’s not that I don’t like to get out and do things in the daylight; I love a good patio day. It’s just that I only have two days a week that I can sleep without setting an alarm, and I damn sure intend on doing just that. However, after waking up at 2:00, I’ve been working on cutting out the 4:00 p.m. nap, and with the right day-drinking motivation, sometimes I succeed.
There are other things I pride myself on—having the cleanest trash can in the breezeway for valet trash pick-up, any time I refrain from using the laundry basket as my closet, doing dishes prior to any mold growth, as well as just keeping a generally clean adult space. I very rarely have all my shit together, but last night I did have a sensible serving of three margs followed by a reasonably-temperatured Hot Pocket, and I’m pretty proud of that..
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