What’s up, guys? I’m in a great mood because the Red Sox are scoring 86 runs a game, golf weather is officially back which means chicks are wearing white pants, and people start mailing it in at work because #summer. But if you’ve been mailing it in because you’ve been hating your job, maybe you’re looking for a new one? If that’s the case, make sure to keep that resume tuned up and in shape. According to Yahoo Finance, these are the 25 “skills” to leave off your resume, and, to be perfectly honest, I’m flabbergasted people actually put this shit on their resume.
1. Filing – I bite my nails, so I’m terrible at filing them but…okay so you can put folders neatly in cabinets with organized tabs? You’re hired.
2. Property Management – basically just telling your employer that you own property and are pretty good at sitting back and collecting rent checks. You don’t want your future boss thinking you’re some kind of slum lord.
3. Data entry – Wow. If you brag that you are good at taking information that’s written down somewhere and transferring it somewhere else, and that this is something that’s incredibly unique to you, let me enter this data into your brain: basic computer code can do this more efficiently than you.
4. Bookkeeping – If you’re trying to launder money, maybe this helps. Actually, I could see this coming in handy. We’ve all seen Breaking Bad.
5. AS/400 – I had to look up what this was and even Wikipedia hard a hard time explaining it to me. I guess it’s some kind of antiquated IBM small business server. If someone could explain to me why that’s a thing, that’d be great. Just leave it off the resume. It looks made up. “Yeah, I’m proficient in AS/400, GTFO100, and ATM69.”
6. Call center – Not something to brag about. Even Tom Brady in that “boomshakalaka” commercial made call centers look bad, and Tommy Touchdowns could make anything look good….except call centers I guess. These jobs get outsourced anyway.
7. Help Desk / Desk support – I imagine these people have incredible patience. Don’t see why this would be that bad for any kind of admin gig.
8. Collections – Depends on your collection. Beanie Baby collection is a hard pass. Seinfeld memorabilia is an auto hire.
9. Intuit QuickBooks – Basic AF accounting software. A monkey could learn this shit. Any respectable joint would have something more complex. I assume.
10. Delphi – Sorry, Delph. Just putting your name on your resume is sabotaging it.
11. Packaging – You’re amazing at putting shit in boxes. You’re truly incredible and I don’t know how we could ever survive as a company without someone who can pack shit! Why would this be on anyone’s resume?!
12. Computer Hardware Technician – Eh, is that like an Apple Genius? Those circuit boards are small. Gotta have nimble hands…actually kind of impressive.
13. Plumbing – Serious question. Do plumbers have resumes?
14. Administration – Kind of vague. What’re you experienced administering? You good at administering an IV infusion? Administering a test?
15. Pricing – Welllll, is this like pricing at a grocery store using those sweet sticker price guns? Also, what if you work in drug pricing? Asking for me.
16. System repair – Software systems? What system? I couldn’t repair a system. This sounds legit. Systems fail, I’m pretty sure. So who fixes ‘em? The guy with systems repair on his resume, that’s who.
17. Shipping – Worthless skill. That shit’s usually free, like when you spend more than $100 on Man Outfitters, and you will, because it is chalk full of dope shit.
18. Document Preparation – Prepared for what, bruh? Elle Woods was a frickin’ pro at document prep. Made her resume pink and scented, gave it something extra, don’t you think? Is document prep like editing? Just say editing.
19. Customer service – Basically means you can talk to people. And if you’re going out for a job people will assume you can talk to people. And if you can’t it’s probably because you know way too much about AS/400.
20. Dreamweaver – Ohhh, Dreamweaver, I believe you can get me through the night… but not a job. Sorry, Gary Wright. You and your one-hit-wonder ass (as well as anyone who says they can do Dreamweaver which is apparently an archaic web design platform) are jobless.
21. Online Research – Midas whale just say you’re an expert at stalking, traversing your way through Pornhub, and endlessly clicking through links in Wikipedia. Are these skills? The stalking one is, sure, but online research? Congrats man, you can conduct a solid Google search.
22. Paying invoices – You can help pay bills on time. That’s not a skill. And no this is not a proxy for fucking following directions.
23. Phone support – see: help desk / desk support. Also see: call center.
24. WordPress – Essentially telling your future employer that, like every other bored millennial, you too have a blog that gets 48 weekly page views, 27 of which are from mom.
25. Typing – Stenographers aside. For real, though, I’m an awful typer. I’d almost rather submit my blogs in ink written on canvas via quill.
Moral of the story: keep your resume to actual skills that could set you apart from the other million applicants for that equally boring but slightly higher paying job that you’re shooting for that you think will somehow magically make your life suddenly that much more fulfilling..
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