For as long as I can remember, the work poop break has been considered sacred. Throughout college internships and now my full-time employment, getting paid to do your business has always been the dream. However, I’m writing here today to discuss a problem I know for a fact I do not face alone. My office uses one-ply toilet paper, and it is ruining the part of my day I once held so dear.
Instead of drinking my coffee in the morning and looking forward to feeling the downtown push-downs 20 minutes later, I now sip slowly and with dread. I know what’s coming, and I don’t look forward to it. As workers, we should be allowed to enjoy those precious moments we have to ourselves. We should be able to play on our phones and not have to worry about the impending doom awaiting our lower half.
How do we fix this problem that wreaks havoc on millions of workers nationwide? That is where things become far more difficult. The gainfully employed bowel movement is under attack. It is far easier to write a column on the issue than to actually approach my boss about my sore behind. This column will hopefully get me a few laughs from the readers, whereas all the nonexistent meeting with my boss would give me is a look of disgust and an immediate meeting with HR to see if I’m fit to continue working at the company.
However, I am convinced that I’m not alone. Despite the inherent awkwardness of discussing this type of action with your coworkers, I encourage you to embrace it. I wish I knew where the sage wisdom of the award-winning novel Everybody Poops by Taro Gomi came from, but that day may never come. However, once you get past the initial discomfort of realizing that every single one of your coworkers has had an explosive rectal experience at some point in the office, you’ll come to understand that everyone is going through the same trials and tribulations as you.
Who knows? Perhaps, as a collective unit of fed up employees, you could be able to enact some real change into your office. You could end up with the far more comfortable two-ply, or even the elusive Charmin Ultra Soft that only permeates the upper crust of society and the executive bathrooms. As it stands now, we are stuck in a seemingly never-ending cycle of one-ply discomfort, ultimately cultivating a culture of unspoken disappointment and pain throughout the office.
It is a tale as old as time, but as our millennial generation becomes of age, it is time to take a stand. I call on all of you to gather your coworkers and to start the revolution. I know that I for one would happily toss a couple bucks out of my paycheck each week for the increase, but I’m confident that your office could find other solutions as well.
Overall, the one-ply epidemic is one that needs to be fixed sooner rather than later. There is only so much time remaining before truly irreparable damage will have been done to my back door. It’s one thing to use the excuse that the office is trying to cut costs, but at some point, they need to realize just what that cost is.
The cost of broken buttholes of corporate employees worldwide is just not worth the marginally positive effect on the bottom line each year. So get out there, ping your manager, and talk to him about your daily poop. Chances are, he or she will have the same problem. Plus, if you’re lucky enough to not get fired by broaching that subject, you could become an office hero if your request goes through. In the meantime, just focus on making it through the daily struggle that is one-ply, the sandpaper of TP..
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