A typical Tuesday night at Casa de John starts with me making a meal for one. Whether it be chicken, beef, or pork, I walk away from said dinner feeling satiated and exhausted from a day in the cube. I’ll then hop in the shower for the second time in a day, and be in bed watching a tv show or movie by 7:30. My phone will be on Do Not Disturb mode, and nothing stops me from falling asleep somewhere between 9:30 and 10:30 p.m. That’s a classic, no frills Tuesday night for me. A youngin’ on his grind, so to speak.
But I don’t want to bore you with the mundanity of a typical Tuesday night. What I’d like to tell you about is my experience at Justin Bieber Appreciation Night, which went down last night, much to the chagrin of my body that still hasn’t recovered from last weekend. To say that I’m a Belieber would be an insult to my fandom. I guess I started to become a fan right around the time when America thought he was turning into the next Charlie Sheen. He hadn’t released a song in a long time and he was getting his name on TMZ every other day for doing shit that any 20-year-old worth over 100 million dollars would be doing. Off of a recent breakup, he was fucking around, causing mayhem, and leaving a slew of models, actresses, and songstresses in his wake.
The guy was up to his neck in vagina and money. I never understood the hate for him. The kid just does it for me. Pissing in mop buckets. Racing Lambo’s in the burbs. Making chill songs that I can pretend (and tell girls, more importantly) that I skateboard to. At this point in Bieber’s career, if you hate the kid, you’re just jealous. Was he a little reckless prior to the release of Purpose? Yeah. But my God, what a talent. Talk about a reinvention. After getting “roasted” on Comedy Central about a year ago, Bieber has gone from public enemy number one to golden boy. Remember when there was a petition to get him deported to Canada? Me neither.
His Instagram posts involving Selena Gomez are the stuff of legend. When he’s not banging supermodels he’s posting pics of him and Selena from like 2010 and you know what? I think that shit actually works for him. Like Selena can talk to the press all she wants about how her and Justin are just friends now, but there’s a 99% chance those two meet up for sex everytime JB insta’s a pic of the two of them together. It’s not her fault. Bieber has a fucking howitzer for a dick. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, I’ll let you google that yourself. The best part about that story by the way, is that after the picture got leaked and went viral, Justin got quoted saying that he had been in the water all day and that he was misrepresented. Dude. Are you fist fucking me right now? If that’s not a post sex, half chub, kind of have to pee, kind of don’t penis, than I don’t know what it is. But I don’t blame him. If somebody got a pic of me naked outside of a private bungalow in the tropics I’d do the same thing. You think that’s big? Lol. I was swimming all day. Come get a pic of me in the buff when my shit hasn’t literally been soaking in chlorine, salt, and other unknown chemicals all day shriveling up.
So back to last night. I’ll be completely honest – the Chicago chapter of the Justin Bieber Appreciation Group is severely lacking leadership. I walked into the joint an hour and a half late and was told they had only played one song from Bieber’s catalog. ONE. You can’t throw a Justin Bieber Appreciation Party and only throw “Baby” on in the first hour and a half. I had to put that bar on my back last night. I danced like I didn’t have to work this morning. I grinded on random girls who, at the time, seemed to be into it, but in hindsight were most certainly not. I guess for a Tuesday night it wasn’t the worst time I’ve ever had. But I sincerely think I can do better.
Aside from the two dollar pitchers of Bud Light, there was nothing special about the event. I’m confident that I could have thrown a better Bieber themed party in my shitty apartment. So this is me announcing my candidacy for President of the Justin Bieber Appreciation Society. It’s time for a shake up, and I think I’m just the man for the job. I’ve DJ-ed several parties in my life, and I’ve left all of them with people wanting more and asking one simple question: “Who in God’s name is playing all of these heaters?” It’s a gift that cannot be taught, and it’s one that needs to be shared with Beliebers the world over..