My Impressions Of His First Date Drink Order

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I’m not great at dating. I’m really good at “just hanging out,” but dating, not so much. I usually end up talking about Blackfish more than a normal person would be comfortable with, turn the convo to serial killers, or get told I’m “intimidating.” It normally doesn’t go much further.

But believe it or not, for not being good at dating, I do have some moves. Oh yes, underneath the layers of awkwardness and the resting bitch face I can be one smooth SOB. On the first date I like to get there first and then text said gentleman: “Beat ya here. First drink’s on me, what’ll it be?”

It always impresses guys that you don’t just assume the tab is all on them and makes them think you aren’t just in it for the free drinks. (Even though you’re kind of in it for the free drinks.)

Me? I have three go to moves. If we’re keeping it casual, hitting up a dive bar or maybe just grabbing a quick one before heading off to some other activity, I’m going to keep it simple with a beer. Probably an IPA or something with a little kick so I have a hint of a buzz and so I don’t come across as too much of a cheap date. If we’re going big, getting dinner and I put on lipstick? Red wine. Any other date and I’m sticking to old faithful: a gin and tonic. I know what liquors work for me and keep me friendly and I’m not diverting away before I know for sure that I’m going to start ignoring his texts.

You can tell a lot about a person based on what they like to drink. Like the guy I invited to a specialty whiskey distillery who ordered the sampler and then took all five as shots in less than three minutes. Not a great first impression, even worse when I had to push his drunk ass into a cab an hour and a half later. So whether you like it or not, I’m judging you.

“Whatever beer’s on tap.”

Oh boy. What establishments are you frequenting that have only one beer on tap? You are ruining the moment of me being a cool girl by making say “Okay, what kind? Dark? Light? IPA?” I’m probably going to pick something too hoppy and then feel awkward when you shudder after the first sip. You’re the equivalent of the girlfriend who gets pissed off at her boyfriend for not being able to read her mind when she lies and says, “I don’t care, you pick.” If I order the pitcher and you don’t like it, I’m forced to drink the whole thing and then I’ll end up puking in the Uber and losing some serious stars.

“Martini with extra olives, thanks.”

If you order one of these, arrive at the bar, and don’t morph in Roger Sterling from Mad Men right before my eyes, I’m going to be wildly disappointed.

“Just a vodka soda or something.”

Well you’re easy. You’re also probably going to down these like a runner downs Dasani and get real handsy after your sixth. That’s okay. Now that I know what game we’re playing, if I score you at a 6 or higher, I’ll play ball too. Just know that I tend to get really mouthy when I’ve had vodka so you’re in for it.

“Jack and coke for me.”

This. Is. Not. A. Cocktail. This is what we used to put into a two liter and give it a little swirl before football games in high school. All this says to me is that you probably lied on your Tinder about your age and you’re not 26, you’re 22, because you clearly don’t know anything about drinking. And while the little residual anarchist that’s left in me is turned on by your Neff hat and how you still believe in conspiracy theories, I’m absolutely going to get annoyed when I see that you still sleep on a mattress on the floor.

“I’d love an old fashioned.”

And I’d love to take off my shirt you classy, classy bastard.

The old fashioned and I have a great relationship. It’s a classic drink, sweet when it needs to be and hard when it needs to be. Just like the perfect man. (See what I did there?) One time at a bar, my bestie was in the middle of a blackout and ordered one thinking she was going to get a donut, so that was hysterical. Ordering such a great cocktail means you know what you’re doing at the bar and I can’t wait to see how well you know what you’re doing everywhere else.

“I’m feeling like a margarita.”

Unless we are on vacation, a boat, or in a cantina, this is not an acceptable drink order. What this says to me is that you live your life like you are always in Vegas and while that’s fine when you’re 21, I’m 25 and have to be up in the morning. Margaritas are the international cocktail symbol for bachelorette parties for a reason. They say, “I am loaded with sugar so you get hammered in no time and make a ton of decisions that will take you months to get over! MUY CALIENTE!” I mean hey, I said I had the first round so you do you. But understand that I don’t know how to order one of these when I’m not getting royally sunburned in a Target bikini. So this is going to get really awkward really fast.

“Whatever IPA sounds good.”

Are those glasses you’re wearing prescription? Are you working on a novel where the main character is named after a prolific, now deceased musician and has to work through his inner demons by sleeping around? Do you like to hang out in the dirtiest bars you can find because you enjoy drinking dollar beers “ironically” and chatting with the super tattooed bartender?

I only ask because I drink IPAs and I absolutely do all of these. Except for the drinking cheap beer ironically, I just fucking like cheap beer on a Sunday afternoon. PBR me ASAP.

Enjoy this? Read My Knee-Jerk Reactions To Her First Date Drink Order.

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