The New York Times giveth, and The New York Times rarely taketh away. After last week’s 13 questions you’re supposed to ask before getting married, they graced us with seven more user-submitted questions that have been burning to be answered since they were posted yesterday.
Per The New York Times, all the questions are in bold.
“Do you have a sense of humor?”
Of course, I do. But I think the real question is, do you? I don’t want to be stuck in one of those situations where I make a joke at a couple’s dinner only to see you roll your eyes and not look at me for the rest of the dinner while you pound Pinot and yell at me with your red wine-mouth in our Uber on the way home.
“Are you all in?”
I kind of have to be at this point, don’t I? The closer and closer I get to 35, the closer and closer I get to realizing that my life is what it is at this point. And the closer and closer you get to 35, the closer and closer we both get to the territory where we need to start pumping out kids before it’s too late.
“Are you both clear on your sexual orientation?”
I’m not Hannah Horvath’s dad on Girls. So, uh, yeah, I think I’m prettttttty pretty sure at this point. Am I willing to forget about your Miley-esque makeout phase in college? Sure, but like, I’m also willing to remember it should we meet a frisky girl-girl couple on a vacation in Greece. Oh, you’re not down for that? Okay, okay, I get it. Let’s just drop it. Seriously, drop it. Remember that sense of humor question? Let’s revisit that. Fuck. Okay. I’ll sleep on the couch tonight.
“What will we do if we want to have children, but can’t conceive in the usual way?”
What will we do if we can’t conceive? Where do I begin? First, we’ll take some non-Disney World vacations, save $200,000+ because we’re not putting them through college, be able to go out on dates any night of the week, have a constantly clean house, never change a shitty diaper, and be the couple everyone wants to hang out with. Didn’t see that answer coming, did you?
“How forgiving are you? How hopeful are you?”
I’m forgiving in the sense that I don’t want to keep talking about it, okay? Was I hopeful that I wouldn’t get in trouble for that threesome joke? Yeah, I was. But looks like someone isn’t all that forgiving, are they?
Okay, okay, all jokes aside, I’m a pretty forgiving dude. There’s nothing a hug and a handshake can’t fix. Or, you know, a crisp hundred-dollar bill too. That works.
“How adaptable are you to change?”
Apparently you haven’t read my most recent thoughts on the changes to Snapchat, because I’m emotionally reeling right now. I don’t know which way is up, which way is the best way to view someone’s story, or whether or not I should delete the app. As long as there’s dinner on the table and we eat lobster every Fourth of July and New Year’s Eve, I’m good.
“How important is having a clean house and organized living space to you?”
I require my bed to be made before I go to sleep, and a clean coffee table with an artsy book sitting and a succulent in the middle of it. If that’s too much to ask for a little peace of mind, sue me. I’m a simple man with simple requests. Don’t fuck that up for me. .
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