I’ll be the first to admit that I haven’t necessarily excelled in the area of the opposite sex. While at times it seemed like I was doing a phenomenal job as a boyfriend, the end result would strongly argue otherwise. Sure, there were times I shined. I can be romantic and full of surprises. I’m sure there were those days when she would tell all her friends how amazingly awesome I was. But unfortunately for my love life, those days were few and far between, because apparently I was the only one in a relationship to fully understand how great I am. I’m a catch, and past girlfriends didn’t always realize that.
But of all the mistakes I made in previous relationships, there seems to be one recurring theme. Something that I think (hope) most people with a SO can relate to. I suck at gift buying. I could spend countless minutes thinking of something I could give her that she would enjoy, which unfortunately limited my options. And no matter how hard I would college-try, there were days that all I deserved in return was another eye roll. So in the spirit of Christmas, I decided to reflect on some of less-than-magical gifts a previous lady-friend begrudgingly unwrapped.
While this may have been something I would have appreciated at the time, I now realize she may not have felt the same. It was practical in my mind, because who doesn’t like their music loud enough to upset the upstairs neighbor when you’re holding a small gathering? She was less-than enthused. All I can do is laugh at myself for that one. But before you make fun of me too, I should at least try to justify this purchase. No time in a new relationship is cloudier than the Christmas season. This girl and I had only been together barely a month when it came time for season of giving. What do you get a girl you’ve known for fewer than 50 days? You can’t go too romantic with jewelry or a weekend getaway or you come off as a psycho, and that’s not a good look for anyone. You can’t not get her something, because when she inevitably buys you something like tickets to a basketball game, you look like a selfish dick (of course it’s accurate, but again, not a good look).
So the broke college guy splurges on a $35 speaker set that his new romantic partner can plug her phone into (yeah, not even Bluetooth). Pretty sure she used it four times. For the remainder of the relationship it served as a constant reminder of boyfriend shortcomings.
2. A Dog
Stupid, stupid, stupid. What kind of moron buys his high school girlfriend a mutt? Well, one who’s just trying to see her naked, apparently. If she asks for a puppy, you better believe she’s getting a puppy. And if the responsibility of a puppy wasn’t too much for our hopeless romantics, parents would be. This was this first time I’d ever been screamed at by an authoritative figure, and in this case deservedly so. While he was pissed about the pet he would ultimately care for financially, he also knew what was going on upstairs while we were “watching a movie.” He used this as an opportunity to let all of that rage out. All the while her dad is yelling at us, and by “us” I mean me, all I can think about is how I want to be the bad man who punted Baxter off the bridge, because ditching this pup would be the only that could save me from this nightmare.
On the bright side, after her dad cooled off, the ankle-biter stayed at her house and was her responsibility. I was still the knight in shining armor who brought a four-legged friend into her life and was ultimately rewarded as a knight should be. Ah, young love.
1. Engagement Ring
I know what you’re thinking. Yeah, it’s an incredibly predictable and overdone “Engagement for Christmas,” but clearly I’m a man of making questionable life choices. But despite that, I must say I nailed the actual proposal. I even got it all the way down to her getting mad at me and trying to leave the scene just minutes before I planned to produce said ring. What a memory. I have a special skill, and that seems to be overcoming letdowns with grand gestures, as I ignored my gut telling me to call off the proposal and followed through with it. But that alone isn’t enough to make this the worst gift ever, right? Of course not, but the fact that we’re no longer together is. No matter how hard I try, I’ll never create a worse Christmas surprise. Those Christmas speakers aren’t sounding that awful now, are they? .