Unless you have come down with a debilitating virus that has left you deaf, blind, and dumb over the past week, you’ve probably heard about Justin Bieber’s recent brush with the law. On the off chance you’re just now recovering from the aforementioned disease, I’ll go ahead and fill you in. The kid went to a strip club with his crew, made it rain $75k (in ones), then hopped in his Lambo and decided to street race. Shortly after the race began, he was pulled over for speeding and later charged with driving under the influence of alcohol, weed and prescription pills. It’s really only cool if this happens to Jordan Belfort. When I heard the news, a smile spread across my face. I felt like a sliver of justice returned to our world. At least one person who truly deserved a DUI, received one. Should these events be any indication as to what will happen to other celebrities, 2014 should be some fantastic fun. Here are my predictions for other celebrities this year.
Miley Cyrus will continue to do Miley Cyrus things.
Nothing totally spectacular, but unfortunately Miley isn’t going anywhere. She’ll keep pushing the limits, sticking her tongue out, and carrying the torch for girls who, despite having a flat, pancake ass, insist on twerking. We’ll probably see Miley take on a female lover, shave her head, do something cringe worthy at an award show, drop another POS album and continue to be a “big girl” and show everyone that she can do “big girl” things. Miley won’t go anywhere in 2014, but rehab in 2015 is looking more than likely.
Johnny Manziel will get a DUI.
Mr. Football loves to party until his nuts catch fire. I think there’s even footage of that somewhere around the internet. This guy is going to hit the NFL, start making real paychecks instead of autograph tips, and start living like any 20-something millionaire would live. He’s going to go out, order expensive shots, go home with sluts every night, skirt around team drug policies and generally be a piece of shit role model for kids. Then it’s going to come crashing down when he gets pulled over after wrapping his car of the month around a light pole. He’ll be fine, but all of us will have to sit through the affair while ESPN, along with every other media outlet, reports on it nonstop for a month.
Taylor Swift and Tim Tebow leak a sex tape.
What will probably be the best story of 2014, Taylor Swift and the virgin will shock the nation when TMZ releases rumors that the two of them were seen entering a hotel room together. Seems as though the hotel manager is dirty son of a bitch and rigged a camera in the room and the entire internet gets to watch Taylor’s breadstick body get slammed by Timmy Tebow. Also, right before things start, Tim definitely says “its Tebow Time,” sparking a sweeping trend that every bro will use right before doing the deed. There will be several novelty shirts with the phrase, of course.
Nick Offerman announces he intends to run in the next presidential election.
Just in case you do not know who this man is, he is better known as Ron Swanson, a city government employee in the show Parks and Recreation. It’s on Netflix if you’d like to kill a few Sundays watching. Anyway, Nick is exactly who he is on the show as he is in real life. He believes in small government, little to no taxes, and meat for every meal. He gains a sweeping support from literally the entire nation and the entire construct of the presidential election system is torn down. An election isn’t even held. Actually, Nick winds up just sitting in the oval office staring at President Obama until Barack is too intimated to be the same room. The president elects to abdicate the presidency before his term is up, Joe Biden doesn’t care and America prospers under Offerman’s leadership.
Jaden Smith tries to reboot the Fresh Price of Bel-Air.
In probably the most ill-advised strategic move that the Smith family could’ve opted for, Jaden Smith attempts to reboot the classic show “The Fresh-Prince of Bel Air.” Long story short, the show doesn’t survive the pilot, Jaden Smith is forever shamed from his father and we never see him again. Society as whole comes out on top here.
Continues to be irrelevant. Stop making shitty movies, Brandon St. Randy.
Jersey Shore gets a Christmas special.
In an effort to increase viewership, MTV finally gives us what we’ve wanted all along, which is “A Very Jersey Christmas”. The cast of Jersey Shore comes together for a two-hour Christmas special for our enjoyment. Snooki and her man fight about what to get their kid for Christmas, Jenny has boobs, The Situation drops awesome Christmas/sex puns, Pauly D hooks up with everything, Ronnie breaks down when he can’t chop a Christmas tree down and becomes a recluse, and Vinnie continues to inexplicably hook up with hot girls.
And last but not least…
Taylor swift drops a two disk set, which is almost entirely about her leaked sex tape.
Because that’s just what she does.
My crystal ball has gone dark. It refuses to reveal any further secrets to me at the current time. Perhaps it will reveal more details of the future later, perhaps it will not. However, we have been given some tasty looks into what 2014 will hold and it appears to be one helluva ride.