There are ways to optimize your Tinder or Bumble profile. Your first picture is a group shot? Left. I don’t want to turn into a private investigator just to figure out which one you are only to realize you’re not the hottest one and get unjustifiably upset. With another guy? Nope. I don’t like getting jumped at bars by jealous exes or dudes who were scraping to get out of the friend zone. Marilyn Monroe or Audrey Hepburn quote? Pass.
But up until this moment in my life, I had no idea that the simplest part of your profile had so much to do with whether or not you have a better chance of getting a match. Tinder pulled the data to show which names are most likely to get a right swipe, and they truly could not get more generic.
Ranging from December ’15 to November of this year, these are the most-swiped male names.
This sounds like the senior class of a prep school lacrosse team or the lineup of groomsmen at a private country club wedding. Their closets are filled with the same set of shirts: the token J. Crew check shirt, a variety of light blue oxfords, and some fall plaids that they wear while playing a game of backyard football with their family solely so their girlfriends can Instagram them while wearing the Han Solo outfit.
Oh, and speaking of the girlfriends, these were the most-swiped female names.
Alpha Phi Pledge Class, Spring ’07. It’s like the cast of a Babysitter’s Club reboot starring only members of The Mickey Mouse Club’s daughters. It’s like someone shut their eyes and pointed at the yearbook of an all girls elementary school from the year 1994.
But hey, at least it’s better than the most-matched names in 2030 which will consist largely of dudes named Sawyer and Jax who are dating Sophias and Evas who all call their dads “papa.”