Columns

Morning Coffee Thoughts

carrey

Every morning, we gather here to contemplate, plan, soak up inspiration, harvest motivation, and get jacked up on coffee and confidence for a day of kicking ass.

CAN YOU FEEL IT? TAKE A DEEP BREATH. THAT’S LIFE YOU’RE INHALING, BABY. FILL YOUR LUNGS WITH SWEET OXYGEN AND READY YOUR MIND FOR MOLDING. IT’S TUESDAY, JANUARY 24, AND YOU’RE GOING TO MAKE THIS DAY ONE TO REMEMBER. HOW DO I KNOW? BECAUSE I’VE PREPARED KNOWLEDGE AND ENTERTAINMENT TO STIMULATE YOUR SQUISHY BRAIN IN PARTNERSHIP WITH HOLY CAFFEINE BEING DELIVERED VIA DELICIOUS COFFEE. POUR A CUP OF JOE AND SLAP YOURSELF IN THE FACE, BECAUSE TODAY WE’RE TACKLING THE ART OF MAKING SMALL TALK WITH COWORKERS.

gif

When making a cup of coffee, you’re often forced to interact with one of the acquaintances that we in the professional world call “coworkers.” These people may seem like your friends, but I can assure you, they are your enemies.

Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.” -Vito Corleone

That’s why it’s important to keep these people guessing. Give them something, but don’t give them too much. It’s fine to let Stephanie from HR know your weekend plans, as long as those weekend plans are a total and complete lie. She doesn’t need to know that you’re hitting the bars the second quitting time comes and plan on being blackout drunk until you wake up Sunday around noon. You’re cool telling your boss that you’re going on a date, but telling him you met that date on Bumble and have already agreed upon a safe word and which positions you’ll be destroying each other in is completely unnecessary. Be very deliberate with the information you feed your coworkers. Let your officemate know you’re hitting the gym, but leave out the fact that it’s just to work beach muscles and creep on sweaty members of the opposite sex. Over time, lead these sheep to believe you’re just a hardworking young professional who gets the job done during office hours and likes clean living and vitamin pills.

If you run into a coworker that you have absolutely nothing in common with, stick to the classics.

“Great weather we’re having today, huh?”

“How was your weekend?”

“Did you catch the game last night?”

Don’t go crazy and start cracking jokes about some other employee’s slutty wife or bring up Donald Trump. This isn’t Liar Liar. The truth doesn’t pan out well in real life.

Play it safe, stick to the basics, and build yourself a flawless facade of infallibility that makes you look like an upstart go-getter with just enough edge to stay interesting.

Now, which coworker are you going to play like a fiddle with strategic small talk this morning? What’s on the schedule? What are you going to conquer today? Let us know in the comments section below. Positivity only. Build the energy. Come correct or don’t come at all.

Email this to a friend

Ross Bolen

Ross Bolen is a New York Times Bestselling author, co-host of the Oysters, Clams & Cockles: Game of Throbes podcast, co-host of the Back Door Cover sports podcast, 2017 Masters attendee, bigger and more loyal Rockets and Astros fan than you, cheese enchilada aficionado, and nap god.

49 Comments You must log in to comment, or create an account

Show Comments

For More Photos and Content

Latest podcasts

Download Our App

Take PGP with you. Get

New Stories

Load More