In an effort to completely take the Monday Blues out of the equation today, God gave us Monday golf in St. Andrews for the final round of The Open, and also put Spieth one back in his quest for a Grand Slam. Below is a live account of today’s action, updated regularly throughout the round. And yes, I realize you have to press refresh to see the updates, but I don’t care because I got into the office today at 6am to do this so anything I do from here on out today is considered above and beyond.
6:11 am: Just got to the office. There’s no sound in the conference room on the golf, so I’m playing sound on my laptop. #AlwaysGrinding
6:14 am: Right now, there are three amateurs in the top six. That being said, there are also 17 total players that are T6 or better, so.
6:19 am: From this point forward, Ollie Schniederjans will be referred to as simply, “Ollie.” You’re bananas if you think I’m spelling Schniederjans for the rest of the day.
6:21 am: This is the current scene in the conference room, where I managed to be the only person to show up.
6:23 am: The o/u on how many Starbucks Double Shots I drink today is currently at at 4 1/2. Not because I woke up early than normal or anything. It’s because I crushed it this weekend and am still paying for Friday night on Monday morning because I’m a man-child.
6:24 am: To be clear, I’m hoping that it finishes (1) Spieth, (2) Dunne, (3) Louis, and (Last Place) Jason Day because I’m still not sold he actually has vertigo.
6:26 am: The seagulls at St. Andrews remind me of a quote from Eric Cantona, former Manchester United great: “When the seagulls follow the trawler, it is because they think sardines will be thrown into the sea.” I’m still not positive what it means, but it sounds cool.
6:29 am: Currently running through my head the steps it would take for me to build a barrier that locks everyone out of the office today. I think I could have something in place by 7.
6:31 am: Can’t believe Dustin has already teed off. There’s no way he sees a 6’4″ man when he looks in the mirror. #MentalMidget
6:36 am: Already having technical difficulties. Restarting my computer because that’s what our tech guy tells us to do when anything goes wrong.
6:39 am: Back online. Pretty remarkable that these laptops restart in under 3 minutes. Steve Jobs, man. What a visionary.
6:40 am: Dustin is deep in a bush right now. There’s a Paulina Gretzky joke to be had here, but I have too much respect for The Great One to make it.
Things are going super well for Dustin Johnson this morning. pic.twitter.com/jypMA5XTJ3
— Will deFries (@WilldeFries) July 20, 2015
6:43 am: There are an unspeakable amount of commercials right now. Don’t they know we want to see Dustin discussing his unplayable lie?
6:45 am: Ollie has shed the sweater. Dude is about to be grinding on this back nine. Wouldn’t be surprised if we saw him eating hot dogs and using his shirt as a napkin at some point.
6:46 am: Pretty awesome that they are going from Kuchar to Furyk to Kuchar, as if we weren’t all tired enough we get to watch these squares putz around the course.
6:50 am: I’m rock hard looking at this leaderboard right now. This morning is going to be bananas.
6:51 am: Dave texted me “en route” a solid twenty minutes ago. I guarantee he texted me that from bed while watching The Open on a 52″ television.
6:52 am: Didn’t realize this is Ivor Robson’s last Open. If you haven’t watched ESPN’s piece on him, do so now. I mean, the dude doesn’t pee all day while announcing the players.
6:57 am: I typed that last sentence before they dedicated a solid 10 minutes of coverage to him, not showing one shot. Officially hate this dude now.
7:00 am: Spieth tees off in less than 90 minutes. #4 on the leaderboard, #1 in our hearts. We love you, Jordan!
7:01 am: Still no sign of Dave, which makes sense because last night at 9 pm he was driving home from Dallas after flying in from New Orleans from his bachelor party. Frankly, we’re just lucky he’s alive.
7:03 am: All Azinger has done today is say, “If (player name) can go 10-under today, he could be in the mix at the end of this round.” Well, yeah, Paul. No doy, bro.
7:07 am: This is awesome:
7:08 am: I don’t think there’s been a shot shown in a solid 20 minutes.
7:10 am: I wouldn’t be at all surprised if Ollie was shirtless on the course right now just grinding. We’ll never know though because they’re too busy showing Spieth hitting 5-footers on the practice green.
7:11 am: Nevermind. They just showed Ollie and he put his sweater back on. Must’ve had too much mustard all over his polo. Gotta keep the sponsors happy.
7:13 am: Just saw Dave pull in. Guarantee he’s playing “#1” by Nelly right now.
7:14 am: Phil is playing lights out. Gotta feel like he gives himself a shot if he goes 10-under.
7:16 am: Dave’s eyes look pretty empty right now. I’m not going to lie. The charger to his computer is also broken which is a great omen for the day. We need Spieth to bring him out of this.
7:25 am: Phil just had a pro line on 16.
7:28 am: So yeah, needless to say, he just hit his 4th shot into the green.
7:33 am: I don’t understand how Spieth can warm up for this long without having a cocktail. I get to the course 30 minutes early and am exhausted when I get to the first hole.
7:38 am: You gotta think Jason Day is a lock at next year’s ESPYs for the Arthur Ashe Courage Award for battling through his vertigo over the last month. What an absolute warrior.
7:43 am: Ollie is absolutely struggling. I think it’s safe to say his grinding is over. I think he legitimately may be crying like a snot-nosed little bitch. His current lie, where the pin his behind the structure:
7:47 am: Adam Scott aggressive on 1. I think he goes low today. And by “think,” I mean “hope” because he’s a big name and I don’t want Willett or Dunne to ruin everyone’s day.
7:52 am: Seeing Day and Louis joke with each other on the range just makes me sick and I have no explanation why. I want cold-blooded killers, not chummy foreign dudes. God, I miss Tiger.
7:54 am: I will say this, Fox had much better use of the ProTracer technology in their coverage of the US Open. ProTracer is my favorite category of porn.
7:57 am: Dear ESPN, Stop showing Ollie. It’s sad because this kid is clearly reeling right now. Sincerely, Me.
7:58 am: Nevermind, he almost just dunked it on 18. It’s those kind of shots that keep you coming back, right Ollie?
8:00 am: Starbucks Double Shot Count: 2.
8:02 am: Ollie finishes with a 67. I want to drink with him so bad right now. I feel like we turned a corner on our friendship today.
8:03 am: 17 minutes until the 3rd Coming Of 2015.
8:05 am: I just became Ollie’s 1,957th Twitter follower. I guarantee we are either DM’ing each other by the end of the week, or he has me completely blocked. Anything else is unacceptable.
8:06 am: The following exchange just happened:
Dorn: Dunne is going to fold today.
Dave: You think he’s Dunne?
WR Bolen: Who’s winning the match, pop?
8:11 am: The general vibe around the office is that we want Dunne to absolutely crumble. Meanwhile, Sergio birdies #1.
8:17 am: We got sound going on the conference room TV. I asked how they did it and they responded, “Oh, we turned it on.” Mondays, man. I’ll tell you what.
8:21 am: I’m not meteorologist but I’m going to say all these umbrellas and rain on the camera lenses means that this is about to get interesting. I’m just hoping this all gets delayed until Tuesday and we get to do this again.
8:22 am: “When Spieth misses a putt, I feel it in my soul.” – Dorn
8:24 am: I’m stealing this joke from someone else, but “Ashley Chesters” sounds like the nickname you have for the girl with huge tits from 9th grade.
8:28 am: Spieth just dropping early darts. If he somehow crumbles today and lets down everyone in this office, Grandex may cease to exist. We have too much invested in him emotionally (and on Bovada).
8:30 am: I will never not laugh when they say, “Ashley Chesters.”
8:31 am: Super-artsy camera angles this morning.
8:33 am: Is Paul Dunne wearing rain pants for fear of pissing himself? That was low-hanging fruit but it’s Monday morning so I’m taking what I can get.
8:35 am: Spieeeeeeeeth. T1 after 1. Big Nuts birdie putt.
8:37 am: Did Dunne just miss so badly that he didn’t even get over the water? Or was he laying up from like 50 yards? Asking because I legitimately wasn’t paying attention because I was trying to rewind on Day’s ProTracer shot.
8:40 am: Intern just busted into the conference room like Kramer busting into Jerry’s apartment.
8:41 am: Everyone is visibly wincing at Dunne’s shots. We are all so afraid of seeing him completely shit the bed.
8:43 am: Louis with a birdie on 1 to be the first to -13 and take the outright lead. He also is tied for first for Most Punchable Face with Sergio.
8:45 am: Conference room is almost at capacity. Will be interesting to see who shows up and fills this place out. If anyone asks me to scoot over, I may just push them squarely in the chest.
8:48 am: Real question: how long until they just stop showing Dunne like they did at The Masters with Rory that one year? I’m saying #5.
8:50 am: “It’s not like Dunne has anything to lose as an amateur. Does he just walk off the course and leave?”
8:53: Below is the State Of Dunne, and somehow his first ball is not out of play.
8:56 am: When Dunne was looking at his shot on the putting green, he had a tee in his mouth that looked like a cigarette and the entire office almost completely fell in love with him, myself included.
8:59 am: “I can’t even hit a shot with a cart girl anywhere near me.” – Heard while Dunne was hitting over the entire gallery into #2 green. Meanwhile, he and his caddy need to stop putting tees in their mouths because we can’t stop assuming they’re cigarettes.
9:03 am: Dillon with some very timely observation: won’t it be difficult for Louis to keep a good rhythm when his playing partner is just spraying it all over the course all day? And yes, we’re assuming that there’s a zero percent chance Dunne will bounce back.
9:05 am: I am drooling on my keyboard at the amount of Tour Sauce in this picture.
9:07 am: Leishman, don’t be in this, man. You’re the least sexy player in the mix right now, and that’s saying a lot.
9:10 am: Current weather forecast at St. Andrew’s: soooooo British. Also, I miss Ollie right now. That kid was just killing it this morning.
9:13 am: Dunne just popped the sweater to unveil and electric green polo before going tight. You know what they call that? Grinding.
9:14 am: I don’t want anyone sponsored by Oakley to win this, so seeing ZJ tie for the lead was a real shot to my psyche right now. Essentially what I’m saying is that anyone but Spieth winning will devastate me.
9:17 am: What’s the story with Ashley Chesters? Been a while since they’ve mentioned him.
9:18 am: A resounding, “Alright, there you go,” in the conference room as Dunne drops that birdie putt to get one back. We’ve rooted against him so hard that I think we all retroactively feel bad for his demise on the first two holes.
9:21 am: I’m going to have to poop at some point, so if I go radio silence when Spieth hits the turn, it’s because I’m in the bathroom with no phone.
9:22 am: Remember when I said Adam Scott was going to go low? Three birdies in a row to tie for the lead.
9:26 am: Live look at the conference room where viral content is just being churned out of our fingertips right now.
9:29 am: If God loves us, he’ll give us a Spieth eagle and outright lead right here. He’ll also have ZJ get shanked by someone in the gallery.
9:30 am: Niebrugge’s style today is awful. Black shoes with orange pants is a travesty to on-course style. Might as well wear some baggy-ass JNCOs like Michael Jordan does.
9:34 am: The first fruit snack of the day just made an appearance on the conference room table. Time is a flat circle today so I may have a glass of Pinot Grigio in about five minutes.
9:37 am: It’s never good when this is what it looks like when you’re trying to find your ball (and yes, that’s Padraig looking for his ball with spectators in the bushes):
9:41 am: Going pee. I feel like such a wimp for breaking the seal this early.
9:44 am: I know Adam Scott uses a belly putter but dude still has a swing that makes it move. And he used to take down Kate Hudson which makes him eskimo brothers with McConaughey, and I think that’s something we can all get behind.
9:45 am: ZJ is en fuego. This is awful. Like, bro, take off the Oakley Blades. They’re not cool.
9:49 am: Currently purchasing every Under Armour item from Man Outfitters so I can look more like Jordan. No word yet on whether or not they’ll deliver directly to the conference room before the round is over.
9:52 am: Everyone just screamed “YES” and double fist-pumped as Spieth dropped that putt. Our T is so fucking boosted right now.
9:56 am: Is Zach Johnson married? If so, he definitely lets his wife cheat on him.
9:58 am: Is it bad that I don’t want them to finish this round today because I want to watch this again tomorrow morning? Six mornings of British Open coverage in a row is beyond gluttonous.
10:00 am: Knowing that the entire world isn’t breathing down his neck waiting for him to choke, Dunne appears to have some swagger back and I don’t hate it. Also, his middle name is “Colum” — you can’t have a more Irish name than Paul Colum Dunne.
10:04 am: A meeting just started in this conference room and I am beyond rattled. I have no idea what or who to listen to, and who or what to watch.
10:07 am: ZJ, stop.
10:08 am: The announcers love commentating on Spieth’s head position for short putts. We get it, he stares at the fucking hole.
10:11 am: A guy once told me that he’s going to start wearing NetJets polos to his country club (like Dustin and Day) so people think he just flies private all the time. Love that idea.
10:14 am: New York Times Best-Selling Author W R Bolen as ZJ’s shot found the bunker: “GET IN THERE! HA!”
10:17 am: Text I just got from Douchebag Pete: “NEED a NetJets polo now.”
10:19 am: Update: Buy your own NetJets polo.
10:20 am: Alright, I should probably start watching again. This whole “meetings” thing really threw a wrench in my plans to max out my chill in this conference room.
10:22 am: We are beside ourselves with that double-bogey from Spieth. It’s like someone just walked in the conference room and told us all that our dogs died.
10:28 am: Between showing up here at 6 am, Spieth falling back, and ZJ making moves, I’m really fading right now. I haven’t felt this deflated since the refs picked up that flag in the Lions/Cowboys playoff game last season.
10:30 am: That being said, this leaderboard is sexy as hell. The final six holes are going to be wild.
10:32 am: “That double really took the wind out of my sails, guys.” – Dorn, speaking for all of us.
10:34 am: JORDAN. And Azinger just referred to him as a “grinder” which essentially assures him the Claret Jug.
10:40 am: If I had to choose how they’ll finish right now, I’m going (1) Adam Scott, (2) ZJ, (3) Spieth. That’s just how it feels right now.
10:43 am: The only reason that I can think of that I hate Leishman for is that we have the same body types, which was big of me to admit.
10:33 am: “He’s got a tiny head.” – Dorn on Adam Scott, and now I can’t stop looking at how tiny his fucking head is.
10:45 am: “Not to be a downer, but he’d be in the lead without that double.” Uh, newsflash, that was a HUGE downer statement.
10:48 am: My call of this finishing Scott, ZJ, Spieth just got turned upside down. It’s now officially (1) Spieth and (2) Everyone else.
10:56 am: How fucked is Adam Scott when he can’t use an anchored putter? Scaries have to be lingering as every tournament passes. In other news, DJ finishing at -4 is worse than him missing those putts at the US Open. Dude just crumbled.
10:58 am: This is just unbelievable.
11:00 am: We’re on hour six of this now and all I can think about is, “Does ZJ make his caddy wear Oakley Blades or do both of them think they’re cool?”
11:02 am: I’m going to get bed sores from sitting in this conference room for so long.
11:03 am: Another live look in to what’s supposed to be a meeting but has turned into a Spieth viewing party. Dan didn’t use a sick filter on his photo like I’ve done for all of mine, but that’s fine. My standards are high as hell for myself.
11:08 am: Adam Scott… ARE YOU KIDDING ME? WHAT AN IDIOT! That was a two-footer, man. Figure it out.
11:10 am: If Leishman’s body is anything like mine (which on the surface, it is), there’s no way he’ll finish strong. Skinny-fat dudes like us just can’t close.
11:14 am: Starbucks Double Shot Count: 3
11:17 am: Who wears soft spikes at St. Andrews? Earth to ZJ: no one.
11:18 am: The amount of times I’ve said, “Let’s go, Jordan!” today like a little girl is astronomical. I’m 7 years older than him.
11:22 am: Our feed is on a delay and Spieth’s almost-hole-out-but-not just got completely ruined by all of us getting texts about it a solid minute before it happened. Except for me, because I broke my phone this weekend like a responsible adult.
11:26 am: Not sure if that was One Direction taking us into commercial, but whatever it was, I didn’t hate it. Again, I am 7 years older than Jordan Spieth.
11:29 am: I’m not a betting man, but if I were, I’d bet on Leishman double-bogeying the road hole.
11:35 am: How long until Jason Day collapses and everyone calls him a hero again, 5 minutes? 10 minutes?
11:36 am: For anyone wondering what’s actually going on: Leishman (-16) with a one shot lead over ZJ who is on #17. Spieth at -14 on #13. It’s honestly anyone’s tournament right now and it’s awesome.
11:39 am: “Fuck Zach Johnson,” was muttered while his caddy did the Dirty Bird around the hole. That was my least favorite sequence ever. Finishes at -15 while Leishman holes a long par putt to make everyone in America hate him even more.
11:43 am: Azinger needs to stop saying that ZJ (-16) has essentially won it outright when he’s not even currently in the lead. Like, I get it, he posted a good score. But Spieth (-14) is a stone cold killer with four holes to play.
11:45 am: We’re going on hour 7 of sitting here, and frankly, I’m not sure how I’ll emotionally handle this finish if Spieth doesn’t win. I may just move back to Michigan and open a diner called Jordan’s.
11:46 am: “I just got a text that says, ‘Leishman in trouble.'” – W R Bolen
11:47 am: We just implemented a Technology Timeout and will no longer be texting with outsiders who are (smartly) not watching this on a 3-minute delay.
11:49 am: It’s almost like Zach Johnson hired his caddy so people would hate him instead. The goatee/Oakley Blade combination is unbearable.
11:50 am: Leishman, still leading by 1, knocks it tight-titties after putting it in the bunker. This sucks.
11:52 am: Leishman missing that putt was the biggest roar we’ve had today. Zach Johnson and Leishman tied for the lead at -15, Spieth just stalking them from the tall grass like a hungry fucking lion.
11:54 am: We’re all apologizing to the TV for vehemently rooting against Leishman after that story about his wife. Hey ESPN, tell us that kind of stuff in the beginning so we aren’t sitting here hoping for his demise.
11:55 am: That being said, still on the Spieth Train.
11:57 am: Chat message from Douchebag Pete: “i feel like spieth is going to come up short and lieshman and zj go into a playoff,” and I can’t say I disagree.
12:02 pm: #HourSeven
12:04 pm: Does Dunne even realize how many NetJets polos he could buy if he wasn’t an amateur and could collect on this tournament? What a bonehead.
12:05 pm: That being said… where the hell did Dunne go? Is he drinking in a pub with Ollie right now?
12:07 pm: A friend of mine has a theory that Padraig (in the group ahead of Leishman) is intentionally playing slow to ice Leishman. Possible? Yes.
12:09 pm: I just spoiled Spieth’s putt for everyone and everyone said, “I hate deFries. Raise your hand if you hate deFries.”
12:10 pm: I don’t care because I’m rock hard for that fucking putt that Spieth just nailed.
12:11 pm: Had I accidentally spoiled that putt from Spieth and he had missed it rather than drained it, I would 100% be getting fired today.
12:14 pm: I don’t know why ESPN has abandoned the ProTracer, but I’ll be filing a complaint to their tech department at some point today.
12:15 pm: For anyone wondering: it’s a four-hole playoff should we reach that point. Sudden death after that. I could be wrong because I just sourced that from a dude who is currently on vacation in Greece and possibly not watching.
12:20 pm: My hands are shaking. No word on whether it’s from The Open for from drinking too much this weekend.
12:21 pm: Two things FOX did well for the US Open that I want from ESPN right now: more ProTracer and a mini-leaderboard in the bottom corner.
12:22 pm: Leishman and ZJ both in at -15, Spieth at -15 on #17 (looking at bogey) with a very birdie-able 18 still to play.
12:24 pm: For the poor souls that couldn’t see Spieth’s putt:
12:25 pm: Spieth puts it about 15 feet past the hole; par putt coming up. Calling this upcoming putt “important” would be a huge understatement.
12:27 pm: Correction: 8 feet. Dorn just yelled at me for saying 15 feet.
12:29 pm: Brutal miss from Spieth to bogey 17, but someone just pointed out that Spieth gets off on following his bogeys with birdies so let’s all pray for a playoff.
12:31 pm: Playoff format is 4 holes: 1, 2, 17, 18. Lowest score wins after the 4 holes. Spieth needs to birdie to be in it barring anything zany from Louis.
12:33 pm: Spieth shanks his drive left on 18, needs to get up and down from 100 yards to stay in it.
12:34 pm: Spieth just paced off the entire shot which is a middle finger to Pace Of Play rules, and I love it.
12:37 pm: Jordan looking to go long and spin it back towards the hole. I’m clenching my butt cheeks. He has to pull off mid-backswing because some dickhead was on his fucking phone.
12:38 pm: He left it short. Spun it hard off the green. Grandex employees, collectively, hang their heads.
12:40 pm: Remember that double bogey on 8? Yeah, me too.
12:41 pm: Can someone get me a live feed to Spieth’s post-round interview instead of the playoff? Please?
12:42 pm: Spieth misses the putt. Grand Slam bid is over, the most boring playoff between Leishman and Zach Johnson is staring us in the face.
12:45 pm: Leaving a putt short to go into the playoff is beyond inexcusable. cc: Jason Day
12:47 pm: Dunne, who did indeed crumble like we all wanted, just blasted it over the green with the entire world watching. I feel like I owe him an apology.
12:49 pm: Louis putts it tight on 18. A made putt means he joins the playoff and goes for his second Jug, a miss means we’re all stuck with Zach fucking Johnson and Leishman.
12:51 pm: And then there were three.
12:58 pm: Live blogging a playoff between three dudes I hate is my personal Everest right now, but I’m going to do it just because, hey, what’s another hour at this point?
1:00 pm: #HourEight
1:01 pm: The conference room is #TeamZach right now. Have to go all in on the American.
1:03 pm: The following tweet looks like the traffic to this live diary after Spieth missed it:
1:04 pm: I miss Jordan.
1:06 pm: Current mood:
1:09 pm: For anyone wondering, they just showed a Spieth interview instead of any of the playoff so I have zero clue what’s going on.
1:12 pm: Scary how true this is:
1:13 pm: After one playoff hole, Leishman +1, Louis -1, Zach -1.
1:14 pm: Louis pumped it. Perfect shot.
1:15 pm: You could put a blanket over Louis and Leishman’s drives. All players in great position to go low. Spieth is probably sitting sadly in his green jacket wondering why he 4-putted today.
1:16 pm: “I have no interest anymore.” – Dorn, packing up his laptop and leaving the conference room.
“At least you’re not stuck live blogging it.” – Me, wondering why I’ve been here for 9 hours today and it’s not even 2 pm.
1:20 pm: I have no clue where anyone’s ball is and I’m having trouble typing because I haven’t eaten anything except a Kind Bar at 7 am.
1:21 pm: Everyone appears to be putting for birdie? Or par? I have no idea, but they’re all on a level playing field and that’s good enough for me.
1:26 pm: Leishman leaves his putt short, in with a par. Louis misses left, in with a par. Zach nails his, gives most boring celebration ever to take the lead in the playoff of a Major:
1:29 pm: Tee shots at 17 all in play with no one hitting any balconies like Mickelson.
1:31 pm: And yes, I am using photos as a replacement for caring about any of these golfers.
1:32 pm: They just showed Zach Johnson with some absurd mittens on, making it impossible to cheer for him at this point.
1:37 pm: The room has gone from us talking about golf to everyone inadvertantly spoiling last night’s True Detective for me. I’m too afraid to speak up and tell them to stop, but I’m the least tenured person here so.
1:38 pm: Zach just overshot the green and Ross said, “They’re all fucking up.” That’s the extent of my knowledge right now.
1:44 pm: At this point, seems like Leishman should just walk off the green with his held down. In that same breath, I have no idea where anyone stands on this 17th.
1:45 pm: ZJ is up by 1 heading into 18. Stay tuned for more thrilling analysis of this captivating playoff.
1:49 pm: If they are tied after 18 and have to go to more playoff holes, I may just end it. This stopped being fun the second Spieth got knocked out and I’m not ashamed to admit that.
1:50 pm: ZJ’s sunglasses have gone from ugly to all out infuriating. The way he perches them on his hat and not his ears is beyond my comprehension.
1:52 pm: Leishman’s approach falls into the valley; none of us are sure what else is going on because this isn’t at all captivating.
1:53 pm: “I think Johnson has to like, 8 putt, to win.” – Dan
1:54 pm: This is starting to feel like 7 Days In Hell.
1:57 pm: They are currently debating whether a mark on the green is a spike mark or a pitch mark in Zach’s line. This has reached a whole new level of snooze.
1:58 pm: Please, Zach, just make it. Please end this. Nope. He missed it. Louis can make his putt to extend the playoff.
1:59 pm: Louis misses, Zach Johnson wins the 144th British Open, and I’m going to go take a nap under my desk.