Few historians are ever remembered for their works. This is part of the nature of their jobs, as they are to merely report on events, and not insert themselves into them. The most successful historians are the ones that can identify the most minuscule of details and create a narrative that is both compelling and relevant to modern audiences.
This is why the world needs people like the great Mark Wahlberg. He has taken it upon himself to recreate in living detail some of the more meaningless occurrences of recent Americana in an effort to preserve them for later generations.
It is at this point that I’d like to mention as a disclaimer that I have neither seen nor intend to see Mark Wahlberg’s movies on the Boston Marathon Bombing or the Deepwater Horizon disaster.
That being said, it is now Mark Wahlberg’s duty to produce as many films as possible that lend themselves to history’s forgotten heroes. Without further delay, Marky Mark’s tour of forgotten history is found below.
1) Hollyflood Thrills – After Los Angeles flooded in 1938, the Army Corps of Engineers undertook a project to build storm drains and channelize the Los Angeles River. You know the race scene in Grease? Wouldn’t have been possible without this project. Marky Mark plays the hard-nosed flood expert and veteran engineer. “Who am I? I’m the guy that does his job. You must be the other guy, the guy that likes floods.”
2) Beautiful Oblivion: The Eve 6 Story – Possibly the least pivotal moment of the 1990s was one hit wonder Eve 6. Their hit single “Inside Out” still holds up better than anything by Soul Asylum. The movie is a fast-paced thrill ride beginning with the members naming their band because they watched X-Files while stoned, and continues on through the flourish of 1998 late night TV appearances. Marky Mark plays frontman Max Collins, with dyed red hair. Donnie Wahlberg plays old Max Collins in the epilogue.
3) Trouble Man – One time in Atlanta, a man was threatening to jump off a building, but rapper T.I. – the Rubber Band Man himself – climbed up and talked him out of suicide. In this slow-paced thrill ride that will surely suck more than the movie with Colin Farrell in a phone booth, you will witness T.I. save a life, and learn something about himself in the process. Marky Mark plays T.I. in blackface.
4) Slow Sweet Sticky Death – The greatest tragedy in Boston history happened in 1919, which gives Marky Mark two years to make this one, so he can release it on the centennial. I’m talking of course about the Great Molasses Flood, in which a molasses storage tank in Boston’s North End broke, spilling its contents onto a street. A wave of molasses crept through Boston, eventually killing 21 and injuring hundreds. The entire cast of Wahlburgers plays every citizen of Boston, with different assortments of make up and fat suits. The entire plot is the same as Dante’s Peak, we just replace lava with molasses.
5) Jebe! (or: Mongolian Beef) – In the Battle of the Thirteen Sides, Genghis Khan got shot in the neck by an arrow. After the battle, he asked all of the vanquished troops who it was that shot the arrow. A man named Zurgadai stepped forward. Genghis Khan was impressed by the man’s honesty and the fact that he shot him in the neck with an arrow while both men were on horseback, so he spared the guy’s life, named him Jebe (which means arrow) and made him a general. Jebe spent the next couple of decades striking out west, eventually sacking Kiev. When Genghis got worried that Jebe was getting too powerful, Jebe returned to Genghis with a gift of 100 white horses, because they were BFFs. Marky Mark plays Jebe, Matt Damon plays Genghis Khan. They both keep their Boston accents.
6) Airless: The Deflategate Story – Known Patriots fan and early leaver of Super Bowls Marky Mark takes on the lamest sports scandal in history, the deflated footballs that helped the New England Patriots beat the shit out of a sorry Colts team. A riveting crime drama stars Marky Mark as a determined investigator hellbent on the truth. Marky Mark plays Will Smith’s character from Concussion in blackface. “TELL DE TROOF ABOUT DEEZ FOOTBALLS.”
Considering Mark Wahlberg’s love of forgotten gems, this should keep him occupied for the next decade. As a side note I would actually like to see a Jebe movie, that one wasn’t a joke.
In our next installment, I’ll tackle all of the professions Hugh Jackman is now qualified to do, since he’s been doing HGH for like 15 years..
Image via YouTube