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Minnesota Man Arrested For Ejaculating Into Coworker’s Coffee

Cup_of_Coffee_with_Whipped_Cream

Passive-aggressively pulling pranks on co-workers that annoy you is just the way of the working world, right? You could cover their office in bubble wrap, wrap their cubicle in wrapping paper like a massive present, put post-its all over the walls, chair, desk and any other surfaces or…beat off into their coffee, I guess?

If that last one sounded weird to you, congratulations, you’re more normal than John R. Lind, a 34-year-old man from Blaine, Minn., who is accused of ejaculating on his co-worker’s desk and in her coffee.

I imagine his next interview will go something like this: “So, why did you leave your last job?” “Well, see, I got all pissed off at this co-worker, right, and she was being a real bitch, so I’d jizz in her coffee to get back at her, know what I’m saying?” “Get the fuck out of my office, sicko.”

The accuser, a woman, told officers that she found Lind that afternoon standing in front of her desk, his back turned to her and his hands near his crotch. She wasn’t sure what Lind was doing, but she told police he had a “deer in the headlights” expression on his face when he noticed her behind him. He then left the office and slammed the door, then CAME BACK IN, said he had a question, but forgot, and left.

She inspected her desk and found splooge on her desk, which was dripping onto the floor, and a cum-soaked scrunchy, which she put in a plastic bag and gave to the cops. Upon being questioned by the police, Lind admitted to beating off in her coffee twice in the last six months, and blowing his load on her desk four times, each time wiping it up with the same scrunchy. Guess it wasn’t spoiled cream…well, maybe it was, in a manner of speaking.

The woman also said that Lind had approached her in the past with his zipper undone and had considered reporting him for harassment before the incident.

John R. Lind faces two counts of criminal sexual conduct and if convicted of both counts, Lind could face a penalty of more than a year in prison and/or a $4,500 fine.

[via CBS Minnesota]

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