I’m tired of people saying my brother and I cannot be best friends without any sexual tension. Just kidding, that’s not where I’m going with this one. Gross. I’m here to talk plain ol’ platonic, non-incestuous, opposite gender relationships. People have somehow convinced themselves that those kinds of relationships are not only nonexistent, but also absolutely impossible. Well, naysayers, I’m here to call bullshit.
Twenty some years ago when I was a newborn, I was in the waiting room as my mother’s best friend and sorority sister gave birth to a little baby boy. Let’s call him John. John and I had playdates every day after school, sleepovers every weekend, and hell, we even had split birthday parties up until I thought boys had cooties. Not that I thought John had cooties, but all of his friends most definitely did.
Fast-forward to high school and college, when I didn’t need a best friend to tell me I looked skinny when I was already underweight, to braid my hair when the $14 haircut went awry, or to be my shoulder when the boy my teenaged heart was infatuated with broke it into tiny, seemingly irreparable pieces. Instead, I had a best friend who challenged me to get fit out on the track field, who told me my $14 haircut made me look like I was above the latest trends, and who invited me to his prom because he knew I wanted to go so badly and had just been dumped. It wasn’t the stereotypical best-friendship that many men and women grow up with, but I didn’t give a shit. He was the support system we all need and crave, and I was one of the luckiest humans on this planet to have him.
Enough of the sap. Needless to say, having a best friend of the opposite gender gives you a leg up in every aspect of life, dammit. Here’s why.
The Perfect Wingman Or Woman
I care about you, so I’m going to let you in on the move John and I use. He picks out a babe in the bar, I probably call her slutty or make fun of her hair, and then I scope the scene to swing in and swoop her up for him. First, I approach her with the “OH MY GOD, I’m sorry I’m literally just so obsessed with your shirt/dress/bracelet/boobs/shoes, WHERE did you get them?” Then we start blabbing about some designer I probably know nothing about, but I fake my way through the conversation anyway. If she turns out to be duller than a door knob, then I politely disappear into the crowd. If there’s a .0000001 percent chance I think John would be able to tolerate her, I continue to talk the bitch up and give my drink a good stir–also known as “go time.” John comes over, I introduce her to my “cousin” who has XYZ in common with her (usually something made up), and then he asks me if he can be a good cousin and buy me a refill, offering her one as well. I get a free drink, he gets an easy slam.
Works. Every. Time.
A Realistic Voice Who Tells You You’re Being A Fuggin’ Nut Case
Male or female, love can make you do crazy things. (Cue a Mandy Moore song playing over a Kate Hudson movie from the early 2000s.) A best friend of the other sex will recognize the signs of crazy and not be afraid to put you back in your place.
“Wait, he blocked me on Snapchat. Should I text him?”
“No, he wasn’t thinking about you and getting a hard-on when he accidentally hit “block” with his erect dick. Don’t text him.”
“Ugh, you’re right. Maybe someone else blocked me on his phone. Like, a jealous, slutty girl, you know?”
“If a slutty girl has access to his phone, he’s fucking her. Don’t text him.”
“Oh, best guy friend, you’re so right. I’m crazy. You’re the best.”
Bangin’ Relationship Advice
When you come to a roadblock in whatever stage of whatever sort of relationship you’re in, spilling to your girlfriends isn’t going to help much. Chances are, they’re going to think the same exact way you do, because books and science and the internet all tell us how women’s brains approach situations similarly, just like men’s do, too. By venting your problem to your opposite gender best friend, he or she is going to better see the situation from the point of view of your significant other. The advice that will come out of his or her mouth will blow your fucking mind..