Laziness is an art. While viewed by most people as a negative trait, I view it as a necessary component of living a happy life. Living in a constant state of motion and adventure probably sounds pretty attractive to a lot of people. To me, that sounds like a waste of time.
I am, by all means, a normal person. I go to the gym after work most days. I try to eat somewhat healthy foods, and I get up from my desk time to time to make sure my posture doesn’t go to hell. Once I’m done with my evening workout–or once the clock strikes 5 p.m. on Friday–I’m done with life. I have a date with my couch and television. You won’t be able to pry me away if I don’t want to go anywhere else. I’ve reached the point where even going out on weekends is viewed as an inconvenience to me. Why go spend $100 on a bar tab when that $100 could be the next two months’ worth of Papa John’s? See what I’m saying? Just because you embrace laziness, it doesn’t make you lazy. There’s a very simple way to master the art of laziness.
The Economics Of Laziness
The backbone of any worthwhile pursuit of lethargy by design is economizing your time. You simply don’t have enough time to be lazy. Between work, your social life, and other things that take away your valuable blob time, there isn’t enough time in the day to be as lazy as you want to be. That’s just the way it goes. Fortunately for you, this is America. As a country, laziness is rewarded. I have no idea how many Southwest Rapid Rewards points I have, but you can bet your ass I know how many rewards points I have until I get a free pizza from Papa John’s.
Surround Yourself With Those Who Understand The Lifestyle
You’re in your twenties and you’re expected to be in the best shape of your life. Absolutely fair. This is the prime of your career. Just keep it tight and no one will bother you, but be aware that there will still be those who don’t understand the life–#BlobNation is a proud people. Surround yourself with a solid support group, one that doesn’t mind lengthy conversations about whether or not pineapple should be allowed on pizza. You need friends who will listen attentively while you speak at length about why ranch dressing is a condiment, not a salad dressing. The people in your life should not judge you for having a chart for what types of Chinese food pairs best with what’s on Netflix.
General Tso’s – “Breaking Bad”
Kung Pao – Documentaries
Orange Chicken – “House of Cards”
$20 worth of eggrolls, crab rangoon, and wontons – 12-hour binge marathons of “The West Wing”
Designated Blob Days
Sundays were made for rest. So were Saturdays and any major holidays that fall between the months of October and April. I can get down with spring and summer holidays, too. When the weather is nice and the sun is out, I’m up for anything, but if it’s partly cloudy and the temperature is below 65 degrees, you can kindly leave me the fuck alone. My blob time is so incredibly valuable to me, so no, I will not meet you out for mimosas at 2 p.m. on a Saturday. “Ghostbusters” is on. You want me to go with you to IKEA Sunday afternoon? You should’ve asked me if I was caught up on “Friday Night Tykes” first. You scheduled a tee time for 8 a.m.? Excuse me while I silently curse the day you were born for even thinking that I’d be awake at that hour on a weekend.
I didn’t choose the blob life. The blob life chose me. I’ve been meticulously strategizing and scheming how to perfectly hardwire my life for ultimate laziness. I want to get every last ounce of laziness out of life as I can. There are no excuses for laziness, only reasons. My reason for being lazy is that I like it. I like watching my life roll by as Netflix asks me if I’m still watching “Arrested Development.” You must embrace it. YOU MUST. Because we only get one life, and who would we be to deny ourselves the very thing that makes us human?
Doctors say that living a lethargic lifestyle is “unhealthy” and “dangerous.” They’re probably right, but I get the feeling they’re just making that up because they’re jealous of the blobs. The blobs could run the world if we wanted to in our free time.
But that would require us to get off the couch and put on pants.